This past week I was fortunate enough to start my college career at University of North Carolina- Wilmington. I love it so much and it's been everything I have wanted it to be. The downside is that I've been having a hard time getting in a consistent quiet time. I've been slacking on seeking the Lord for what my college years will be about, what purpose he may be preparing me for in this season, and although there is no good excuse to skipping out on my precious relationship with him, my reason is that I am overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed with who am I and how am I supposed to decide my future career and why am I joining the surf club and a criminology club and am I who I was in high school, how do I become something new, better? All these things are floating around in my head, and I know they only have answers in Jesus, because he's the basis of my life, right? At least I thought.
In a freshman seminar every first year student has to take, I was asked what I want to get out of life. My first instinct wasn't to know Jesus more... and man was I convicted. I first thought travel...but then what's the point of seeing the world, and not praising the one who made it? and eventually, I would run out of places to go...so upfront I know that isn't fulfilling...its a good distraction, looking like it has intent when it really is focusing on the things of this world rather than things above. (Not that traveling is bad!!) I was more impacted by my classmates responses. The majority of them said that out of life they want to get "success" and "happiness." I was really sad for them. Not that those aren't great things, but that's what they want to look back and say they obtained. Happiness, Success. As I was reading their answers and my own on the board in front of me, I just kept thinking Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. There's a great chapter in Ecclesiastes about how everything in this world is meaningless, and in that moment that rang truer than ever before. I just realized then that all these pursuits for happiness, for success, for adventure, for a college degree, and anything else is all so meaningless when there is no God involved.
That is why I am reminded constantly I want people to know Jesus. It's like being able to have a thanksgiving feast every day with him, and choosing to dig for scraps of success and half-eaten happiness out of the dumpster you travel to. In this eagerness I have to tell people about Jesus, I hear him telling me to yield to him. I'm like what? Dude I've been waiting to get out there and talk about him. But after attending a church on Sunday and an awesome college ministry called overflow on Tuesday, I got the pretty clear message my heart isn't ready. I am not seeking him in my own life, who am I to tell others to? I'm all about walking the talk... Not that I have to pray every day and read my bible to have Jesus, but if those aren't a priority in my life, I have to be real and say that he hasn't been either. I am not spending time at his feet, and after a few years of this I've realized that even talking about him can come from a selfish ambition. Talking about him for my own fulfillment rather than his glory, is meaningless too. This is kinda where I am thankful for the gift of discernment and learning to wait...even when your plans sound good.
So instead of looking ahead and getting overwhelmed, I'm just going to look back. Not even to the beginning of my walk with Jesus, but back to the beginning when he was walking with me and I didn't even know it yet. He's guided me well this far, bringing meaning to my life even when I have wandered off, and he is guiding me now. When he hasn't been my priority, I'm still his...and that's a game changer! Now I just gotta seek him for those overwhelming things, but more importantly just seek him for him and who he is because you can't talk about someone you don't know (well...you shouldn't...)
"Talk is cheap, like daydreams and other useless activities. Fear God instead." - Ecclesiastes 5:7 (NLT)
Keep my peers and me in your prayers, because we're all trying to figure out who we are going to be in this world, and all of us could use some guidance from up above.
** Also praise God for the huge group of believers here who are seeking Him and living for him daily! **
