Lately I have been thinking a lot about prayer. Probably because I have found myself wanting to pray more than ever. It actually catches me off guard, I find myself looking for opportunities to retreat to my room to pray alone, or to find a friend to pray with. The other day I was at the gym, 5 minutes into my elliptical routine when I just stopped and knew I needed to go home and pray. Super weird. But it got me thinking about the importance of prayer. It reminded me of a sermon I heard earlier this summer talking about the cleverness of the parables Jesus taught.
In reference to the parable about seeds on a path vs rocky soil vs thorns vs good soil (Matthew 13; Mark 4; Luke 8), the pastor said the message is found in how the listeners respond. For example, if you hear the characteristics of the good soil and you ask, "am I good soil? How can I be good soil?" you prove to be good soil.
I have found that prayer works in a similar way. The beauty of prayer is not whether or not the prayer is answered to your liking, but in the fact you took the time to pray for a loved one or that you had faith your prayer would be heard and maybe even answered. I have friends who do not associate with a particular religion say there are times in their life when they have found themselves praying or somehow trying to talk to God, not knowing whether or not he was listening. I would imagine those are the most beautiful prayers of all to reach God's ears. Through stories I have heard and experiences of my own, I have learned that the mystery of prayer is how God works through them. Whether or not God answers them, we see the posture of our hearts when we bow our heads.
"He will respond to the prayer of the destitute; he will not despise their plea." Psalm 102:17
Monday, October 10, 2016
Friday, October 7, 2016
Making a Moral Sinner
What an interesting year I have found myself in! Just 6 months ago I was completely enamored with a relationship with God, followed by questioning his existence and denouncing my faith, to humbly and pitifully at His feet again. I would choose where I am now over anywhere else I have ever been. Here's why.
I was hoping when I openly admitted my doubt far outweighed my faith, that I would have some crazy experience that would bring me back to a radical faith and I would just be on fire. That is far from where I am.
Through months of research, resistance, tears and confusion, I can say with assurance that Jesus is who He says He is. He is Lord, not a lunatic or a liar. He is insane and mysterious and I will never put him in a box that will satisfy all of my questions. He is not who I want him to be. He is not a moral instructor and a really cool guy, he really is a Savior I need. I wish I didn't need a Savior, I wish He didn't have to die in my place, but He did. Whether I want Him to be true or not, He just is. I can give you facts, I can tell you why I am sure of this, but in reality, behind all intellectual doubt is a hard heart that doesn't want Jesus. Emotional resistance will remain even if every fact of Jesus' life is laid before you. And I get it. The Good News can seem Bad, it means pride has to die, it means we don't get a throne...I think that's why I ran from it. I knew I couldn't live how I wanted if I claimed he was Lord. So I stopped claiming he was. And it didn't make things better. At all. But acknowledging him as Lord doesn't make my life happy and perfect again. I know that despite how I feel about Him, despite whether I believe in Jesus and his plan or not, He is who He says He is. I cannot run from it. And much like C.S Lewis, I find myself a reluctant believer.
I know I will never understand the full purpose of going through such a heavy doubting period, but I do know this. It has humbled me, broke my pride, and showed me that my real god has been morality for far too long.
I was hoping when I openly admitted my doubt far outweighed my faith, that I would have some crazy experience that would bring me back to a radical faith and I would just be on fire. That is far from where I am.
Through months of research, resistance, tears and confusion, I can say with assurance that Jesus is who He says He is. He is Lord, not a lunatic or a liar. He is insane and mysterious and I will never put him in a box that will satisfy all of my questions. He is not who I want him to be. He is not a moral instructor and a really cool guy, he really is a Savior I need. I wish I didn't need a Savior, I wish He didn't have to die in my place, but He did. Whether I want Him to be true or not, He just is. I can give you facts, I can tell you why I am sure of this, but in reality, behind all intellectual doubt is a hard heart that doesn't want Jesus. Emotional resistance will remain even if every fact of Jesus' life is laid before you. And I get it. The Good News can seem Bad, it means pride has to die, it means we don't get a throne...I think that's why I ran from it. I knew I couldn't live how I wanted if I claimed he was Lord. So I stopped claiming he was. And it didn't make things better. At all. But acknowledging him as Lord doesn't make my life happy and perfect again. I know that despite how I feel about Him, despite whether I believe in Jesus and his plan or not, He is who He says He is. I cannot run from it. And much like C.S Lewis, I find myself a reluctant believer.
I know I will never understand the full purpose of going through such a heavy doubting period, but I do know this. It has humbled me, broke my pride, and showed me that my real god has been morality for far too long.
My friend shared a devotional with me that I’d like to share
with you. It says, “Each time God calls a
servant into action, He essentially says, 'You can be strong and courageous
because I am with you. Victory isn’t about your abilities, your strength, your
skill, your armor, your gifts, or your dedication. It has to do with My
presence. You can be strong, because I will be strong in you.'"
I have approached my walk with God as if the more I abide in Him, the more
I know Scripture, and the more I love in His name, the stronger I will be. But the truth is that no matter how dedicated I am, I will always be weak. Just
like the disease of sin never leaves us and the desire for sin is with
believers and nonbelievers alike, so it is with our weakness. They are
essentially synonymous. It has never been and will never be about strengthening
oneself, but submitting your weakness (that will not go away) in order for
Christ to be strong for you. Becoming Christ-like is not about being moral
enough, or resisting sin enough. Becoming Christ-like is having Christ, as He
is, be evident in you. In the gospel of John when he says Jesus "must become greater, I must become less" (3:30), this does not translate to more of me
like Him. By nature, I will never be Jesus. That is where the trap of morality and righteousness has pulled me away
from God. Morality and righteousness are then the fruit or the product of Christ
flourishing in you, not changing what you do for His approval. He has chosen to
approve of you before you thought about your deeds being righteous or lacking
thereof, Jesus’ work in my life is not then illegitimate (as I have thought
many times in the last few months) or hindered by my search for morality when I
was supposed to be seeking Him. On the contrary, His work in my life is not reliant on
anything I do. However, by giving him a recognition of what he has done for me,
I can now choose to worship him solely as my Lord, not the Co-Lord of my life
with me. It is no longer him who informs me of morality and I am now moral, it
is my lack of morality and my excess of sin I see, in which He says He alone
can make clean.
If it was up to me, I wouldn't be sitting here writing that I am weak, I have nothing to offer, and I have no choice but to believe Christ has done it all for me. But that is the Truth. His sacrifice is not to make me a better person, but a more broken and needy follower of Him. He loves me on his own accord.
I have said this and heard of Christ being my strength for years now, but only now has my futile mind come to recognize the severity of my condition, the need for such a strength I cannot produce in myself despite how rigidly I follow a Moral Law. I find strength in submitting to a Christ who has done it all, who embodies everything I cannot be but desperately need.
I am not ashamed of the gospel, for even though it exposes my weakness, my lack of ability, and publicly humbles me, I know Jesus is who He says He is, and that is enough for me.
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
How to Doubt in 5 Simple Steps
Here is a quick summary of what the doubting process has taught me:
1) When doing research, especially on religion, check the sources. Make sure you know the point of view, potential bias, and the context of anything they may reference. For example, if an article quotes a religious text, figure out what surrounds it. Anything can be manipulated to support someone's argument, and as a result distort truth.
2) Talk to people about doubt. Most of the people I've included in this journey with me have had similar questions and experiences with doubt. There's so much to learn from the people around you, how they think through those questions that give you a headache, and how they come to the other side of it, either choosing to believe in God or not.
3) Be patient with it. This isn't something that can be "handled" overnight. Doubt takes time. It's not a waste of time. And as unsatisfying as it is to not have all the answers, I've learned a lot about myself and the concept of faith by not being sure all the time.
4) I am not entitled to any answers. Just because I want to know doesn't mean I get to. No God is required to answer my questions, and I don't deserve explanations. Humility when facing the concept of a deity is extremely important to the process. Most of the time, expecting answers or trying to have power or control over the results of a god is the very thing separating you from it. Sometimes surrendering what you have to open your mind to discover what you don't have is all that we can do.
5) Don't discredit your subjectivity. Being objective about God only goes so far. You can find any arguments to support what you want to believe. What do you want to believe? And why? What's your hesitation? Allow questions like that to surface. I have learned who I am, and where and why I feel vulnerable. For example, relationships scare me. So what? They scare everyone, because it requires some kind of vulnerability. Community around the topic of God has always been stressed to me as important, but it is what I am most willing to avoid. So, I am avoiding vulnerability with not only community, but this God idea/person. I mentioned in my last post the questions often become answers themselves. Be okay with that.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how to doubt!
5) Don't discredit your subjectivity. Being objective about God only goes so far. You can find any arguments to support what you want to believe. What do you want to believe? And why? What's your hesitation? Allow questions like that to surface. I have learned who I am, and where and why I feel vulnerable. For example, relationships scare me. So what? They scare everyone, because it requires some kind of vulnerability. Community around the topic of God has always been stressed to me as important, but it is what I am most willing to avoid. So, I am avoiding vulnerability with not only community, but this God idea/person. I mentioned in my last post the questions often become answers themselves. Be okay with that.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how to doubt!
Monday, August 15, 2016
Reasonable Faith in Faith
If you have been reading my blog, you'll know that my previous
post was about doubting my faith, the very thing I have founded my identity on.
I am still uncomfortably doubting and unraveling one question just to find more
questions attached, like a chain of question marks hooked together. I have, however, come along way since that post and feel as though I have gathered enough thoughts to share. This post is definitely more sporadic than all my other posts, so sorry for the terrible transitions (I've been out of school too long).
**I know my blog ends up
being long despite my efforts to shorten it, so at the bottom are quotes I
think sum up my recent discoveries, and the sources with them, if you want to
skip the details. but I think the whole read is worth it**
Such a broad conversation is
difficult to narrow and concise on a blog, but the topic of this post is why I
have concluded that faith can be reasonable, it is not an absence of
intelligence, and the likelihood that there is an absolute truth. Let's dive right in!
Tim Keller's "The
Reason for God: Belief in an Age of Skepticism" was gifted to me earlier
this semester. Who knew it would come in handy for my own personal beliefs just
a few months later. I have been finding his arguments in this book quite
impressive. A quote worth sharing:
"All doubts, however
skeptical and cynical they may seem, are really a set of alternative beliefs.
You cannot doubt Belief A except from a position of faith in Belief B." --
Even if you don't support a
belief in god, you do support a nonbelief in god, or the belief that there is no
god. Because you don't believe in god you argue that religion is exclusive, but
would you include a
theist (believer in god) in your atheist community and practices? Of course not, because they
don't believe what you believe. All communities by nature are exclusive, religious or not, because by definition they gather for specific ideas or purposes they agree with.We all stand by truth claims, just some of them
aren't true.
I cannot say with certainty
what I know is true, but I can say there is truth, and I believe our perception
often clouds our understanding of it. The best way I can explain it is this; You could perceive that the sun didn't rise today because there are clouds blocking it. The truth is that the sun did rise, but you could not see it from your perspective. Just because you don't believe the sun rose, does not mean it didn't. In order to know the sun rose, you would have to know from a different perspective than your own. We all often perceive incorrectly as well as have ill understandings of truth. That
doesn't mean truth itself doesn't exist. And if it does, I think its worth seeking
out. Because whether you acknowledge your beliefs or not, you do hold some kind
of view of the world by which you operate in the world by. Since you operate by
said beliefs, I believe it is important to know what they
are, don't you?
Many arguments, I have
found, negate themselves. My favorite example is, "there is no absolute
truth." in which one could (and should) reply: "Is that absolutely
true?" -- oftentimes finding answers is a matter of listening a little
more closely and carefully to hear things we trust may not even support
themselves. Arguments about relative truth have the same backfire approach on themselves - I can go into detail another time about this.
I previously viewed
skepticism as ignorance, but from finding myself quite skeptical, I can say it
can be positive, if it is
pursued. In fact, religious communities need skeptics, someone who is
willing to halt blind following and challenge the crowd. Skepticism can be a
gift. Sometimes you need to walk in shoes you never thought you'd find yourself
in to have a humility you didn't think you needed. And boy, do I need it.
Doubts are 100% reasonable and understandable, but I believe the same could be
said about faith. We practice faith every day. We have faith there will be more
time for us on earth when we say, "see you later," or when we sit in
a chair we expect to support our weight.
As skeptical, as scientific,
and as proof driven as we are, we live very differently from day to day. We are
controlled by things that cannot be seen, like air and oxygen, feelings like
anger or happiness or love, and yet the biggest argument against God is that we
cannot know because we haven't seen. "Seeing is believing," but how
many things do you put your trust in that you have never seen? I mentioned that
questions keep coming up, but in some ways, they become the answers in
themselves.
As the
average kid just wanting answers to those questions, how do I search such a big topic? Well,
Google of course. I typed "Proof
of god" into
the search bar. The first link was to everystudent.com in an article "Does
God Exist." Thanks Google, for reading my mind.
a few quotes from this formally atheist author really grabbed my attention:
"I have come to find out that God wants to be known."
"he keeps the question of his existence squarely before us."
-- I can attest to that. In fact, I was writing a paper for school a few weeks
ago and in the middle of it I typed "I wish this god idea would
leave my head and never come back"
Don't worry, I erased it before submitting the paper. I don't want
my teacher to know I'm crazy! But the point being, as much as I want to be
apathetic or not think about god, it
will not go away. An atheist friend of mine recently told me, much to my
surprise, "There is no
way to deny design, but I don't think we should worry about it."
If we shouldn't worry about it, why do we try to deny it in the
first place? Why should we want to deny (intellectual) design? Because it would
complicate things? His sentence reminded me of bible verses I used to recite in
Romans 1 that say,
"for what can be known about God is plain to them, because God has
shown it to them. For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and
divine nature, have been clearly
perceived ever since the
beginning of the world in the things that have been made so that they are
without excuse." Even in my resistance, this is just so true. It's
frankly impossible not to ask or think of a god because of what we see around
us. This viewpoint is actually supported by science.
I recently became aware of a whole field called "neurotheology" which studies the link between brain activity and spirituality. Long story short, research supports that believing in God and having a deep spiritual need is rooted in our biology and genetics. There are so many physical, mental, and emotional benefits that occur with spirituality. It's really amazing! I attached the article link at the bottom as well.
I recently became aware of a whole field called "neurotheology" which studies the link between brain activity and spirituality. Long story short, research supports that believing in God and having a deep spiritual need is rooted in our biology and genetics. There are so many physical, mental, and emotional benefits that occur with spirituality. It's really amazing! I attached the article link at the bottom as well.
Which brings me to my next realization. I watched a movie on
Netflix, "A Matter of Faith" where this great line comes up; "if
man had it his way, there would be no god."
Which I completely agree
with. No one wants to be morally responsible or deny what he wants for a God,
even if it is a loving God. That is the battle between gods plan vs your own.
By nature, we want to be in control and have power, that is what survival
teaches, doesn't it? No one naturally wants to submit to a higher power, they
themselves want to be the highest power. So I have a hard time accepting that a
god is a made up concept because since the beginning of time people have
incorporated worship into their culture, which seems contrary to the desire to
be our own boss.
Finding answers isn't hard. It takes patience,
willingness, and openness. Facing the convictions and answers you weren't ready
for is the hard part. As objective as you want to be, the "issue" of
god is quite personal, and I find that aspect of my research the area I am most
willing to avoid!
** Quotes **
From the everystudent.com article (emphasis
added), "God does not force us to believe in him, though he could.
Instead, he has provided sufficient proof of his existence for us to willingly respond to him. The earth's perfect
distance from the sun, the unique chemical properties of water, the human
brain, DNA, the number of people who attest to knowing God, the gnawing in our hearts and minds
to determine if God is there"
"It is impossible for us to know conclusively whether God exists and what he is like unless he takes the initiative and reveals himself."
"children left to their own devices would have some conception of God"
“The heart will not accept what the mind
rejects.” - Jonathon Edwards
"Think about it. If you approach your
studies simply seeking to confirm what you already believe, you are not
studying at all."
"ultimately my faith is dependent on God’s faithfulness rather
than my cleverness."
"The shame is not that people have doubts,
but that they are ashamed of them."
"One who has never doubted has never fully
believed."
Tuesday, June 14, 2016
Walking in Doubt
I am a little hesitant to share this post, but I am for a number of reasons. Something is wrong with our culture that we cover all of our doubts and grief and don't really share what is happening. We think we are protecting ourselves, but I have only seen it hurt. So despite everything telling me sharing this is a terrible idea, I think I would rather break the pattern.
If you have been in a Christian community, or even know a Christian, it is a common phrase to say one is "walking in faith." Well, I am walking in doubt. By that I mean I am questioning literally everything. I have valid questions I don't think I have answered. This isn't a rebellion against God, or wasn't spurred on by a tragedy I blame God for, I just am curious.
I know I should be posting the next part of my South Africa experience, and there are many "godly" posts I would rather share, but I can't sit here and pretend I am somewhere I am not. I want to be honest and real, so here it is.
This isn't easy. I have based all of my life on my beliefs for the past 5 years, and now that foundation is beginning to crumble. My sister is most proud of the fact that she is a woman, she identifies most strongly with her gender. Others may feel most in touch with their sexuality, or their race. For me, my beliefs mean everything in all aspects of my life. Who I am, what I stand for, who I surround myself with has all been in consideration of the morals and values I choose because of my walk in faith.
So what now? Now, I do research. In a sense, God is on trial. How can I be sure Jesus is the only way to God? How can I be sure Christianity is the fullness of truth as it claims to be? Maybe from traveling to South Africa, and my recent interest in India, I just wonder how I can be sure that my beliefs are "right" while other religions I haven't been exposed to are "wrong." I told my siblings not too long ago that if I were to find out that my beliefs are false, that there is not God, not a way to heaven, would I regret following Christianity so intently? My answer was, and remains, a no. I told them that everything I have done as an act of faith has never led me astray. Sure, in the last 5 years I have made mistakes, big ones, but those were from my own decision making, apart from me seeking God or the bible for what is the right thing to do. As far a the bible has led me, I have always felt secure and at peace with the decisions I have made with the intent of following God. Not a single act in my walk has been a "make believe" love for God. I don't deny for a second I have experienced God's power, or him speak to me, or heal me in ways the physical world just cannot describe. Even in sharing where I am at, it seems weird to be here. This semester was probably one of the best times in my relationship with God. I found new ways to love him, and explore my faith, and found myself falling in love with parts of this God I had not experienced before. Absolutely a beautiful time in my life. So I cannot explain, and I don't owe an explanation, as to why I am here, doubting, and questioning what part a god, if any, will have in my life going forward.
I would appreciate some sensitivity in being open about this, because the only way I can explain my emotions the last few weeks of dealing with this is like going through a divorce. It feels as though the very core of me is split into two. I don't know what to trust or to believe, what or where to go if I do decide a life separate from God. I find myself feeling restless and unsure, wrestling with something that seems as important as knowing myself. I have little breakdowns most days, confused why this is happening and the weight of this doubt.
I confided in a few friends and my mentor. One has gone through her fair share of ups and downs with God, even this semester she turned to me to be a light in it, and now I needed the favor returned. She didn't try to convince me, but she listened to me cry on her couch for hours as I wrestled with this. We didn't leave the conversation like I knew where I stood any better, but I knew I wasn't wrong to doubt, and I didn't have to be isolated in doing it. I also confided in one of the smartest people I know, who listened to me without judgment and offered some wise defense of Christianity. I have been obsessively watching debates between different religions as well as atheists and Christians, in hopes of having some clarity. I find that all sides have something I can credit to them, but overall the christian debaters seemed the most conclusive and direct with their answers, and that doesn't go unnoticed.
I realized through watching debates that although science has answers, it does not have all the answers. It can't. Because regardless of objectivity, there is always subjectivity. Feelings. Emotions. Experiences. History plays a role, the facts of Jesus' life on earth. There are recorded phenomenon and "miracles" that just one area of study cannot explain. Let me also say I think it is absurd to think we will fully understand a god. That idea is what creates man-made gods. If we can fully understand god, we are putting him at our level, which is not at all what a god is. I don't need to know all of god, I just need to know enough to worship with with not just my heart, or my soul, or my spirit, or my mind, but with all 4.
I don't feel wrong for doubting, and if you are, or ever have, you shouldn't either. One of the friends I reached out to said, "Doubting is a gift, don't run from it." At first I was very confused, because it always appears to be the opposite of faith, but I think the opposite of faith, much like the opposite of love, is indifference. If you are indifferent toward god, that is truly the hard place to be. But I am seeking to know the truth. If God is who I have believed he is, he can handle being put on trial, and will prove to be true. I am open to conversation, but this is something I am doing completely sober minded, not caught up in emotion or hurt or anything like that. I don't need to be persuaded, I want to be convinced. This is something that will take time, and I am learning to accept that it is okay. I don't need to rush this doubt, and there is purpose in this time in my life, too.
I have read blogs from others who have left Christianity, some with valid arguments, but the majority seemed to have fallen away because of anger at the church or being unimpressed with how Christians act. That isn't what this is. If your faith is based on another person, or the church, and if you are hurt by broken individuals, or institutions, that isn't God's fault. You don't walk away from god because the people around you let you down. You walk away from god when he has let you down. And he hasn't.
I want to be open on my blog about what a teen walking with Jesus really looks like. Throughout high school, I was always strong for the people who were falling away. They could confide in me, and trust that I would be steadfast. And in a way, I envied that I hadn't had a chance to consider a life outside of God. Not that should be something I want, but I did pride myself on being steadfast, and maybe I need a piece of humble pie and see that even those "strong in their faith" fall away, too.
I want so bad for God to be true, but I don't want to trust my experiences anymore. I want to know factual proof, and know that what I am believing is not in vain. I believe a god who wants to connect with us could provide the answers necessary for us to worship him, and I hope that he does. In the chance that I find god isn't real, isn't what I devote myself to, that may be the hardest thing I face. A life without god seems awfully scary and not nearly as free, but I need truth more than I need to believe what I want to be true. Thank you for reading, and letting me share this here, I hope without much condemnation for it. I'd be happy to discuss any "concerns", and will keep anyone who reads these posts up to date with where walking in doubt takes me.
Those I have told have responded that they are excited for me, and I couldn't ask for a more loving and understanding response. I am very fortunate to have such grounded Christians who truly represent Christ's love around me. How fortunate am I, that I get to feel broken and unsure of myself, and still be surrounded by so many who want the best for me, and are willing to help me find truth? I hope everyone who is doubting finds a similar community to support them, no matter the outcome.
If you have been in a Christian community, or even know a Christian, it is a common phrase to say one is "walking in faith." Well, I am walking in doubt. By that I mean I am questioning literally everything. I have valid questions I don't think I have answered. This isn't a rebellion against God, or wasn't spurred on by a tragedy I blame God for, I just am curious.
I know I should be posting the next part of my South Africa experience, and there are many "godly" posts I would rather share, but I can't sit here and pretend I am somewhere I am not. I want to be honest and real, so here it is.
This isn't easy. I have based all of my life on my beliefs for the past 5 years, and now that foundation is beginning to crumble. My sister is most proud of the fact that she is a woman, she identifies most strongly with her gender. Others may feel most in touch with their sexuality, or their race. For me, my beliefs mean everything in all aspects of my life. Who I am, what I stand for, who I surround myself with has all been in consideration of the morals and values I choose because of my walk in faith.
So what now? Now, I do research. In a sense, God is on trial. How can I be sure Jesus is the only way to God? How can I be sure Christianity is the fullness of truth as it claims to be? Maybe from traveling to South Africa, and my recent interest in India, I just wonder how I can be sure that my beliefs are "right" while other religions I haven't been exposed to are "wrong." I told my siblings not too long ago that if I were to find out that my beliefs are false, that there is not God, not a way to heaven, would I regret following Christianity so intently? My answer was, and remains, a no. I told them that everything I have done as an act of faith has never led me astray. Sure, in the last 5 years I have made mistakes, big ones, but those were from my own decision making, apart from me seeking God or the bible for what is the right thing to do. As far a the bible has led me, I have always felt secure and at peace with the decisions I have made with the intent of following God. Not a single act in my walk has been a "make believe" love for God. I don't deny for a second I have experienced God's power, or him speak to me, or heal me in ways the physical world just cannot describe. Even in sharing where I am at, it seems weird to be here. This semester was probably one of the best times in my relationship with God. I found new ways to love him, and explore my faith, and found myself falling in love with parts of this God I had not experienced before. Absolutely a beautiful time in my life. So I cannot explain, and I don't owe an explanation, as to why I am here, doubting, and questioning what part a god, if any, will have in my life going forward.
I would appreciate some sensitivity in being open about this, because the only way I can explain my emotions the last few weeks of dealing with this is like going through a divorce. It feels as though the very core of me is split into two. I don't know what to trust or to believe, what or where to go if I do decide a life separate from God. I find myself feeling restless and unsure, wrestling with something that seems as important as knowing myself. I have little breakdowns most days, confused why this is happening and the weight of this doubt.
I confided in a few friends and my mentor. One has gone through her fair share of ups and downs with God, even this semester she turned to me to be a light in it, and now I needed the favor returned. She didn't try to convince me, but she listened to me cry on her couch for hours as I wrestled with this. We didn't leave the conversation like I knew where I stood any better, but I knew I wasn't wrong to doubt, and I didn't have to be isolated in doing it. I also confided in one of the smartest people I know, who listened to me without judgment and offered some wise defense of Christianity. I have been obsessively watching debates between different religions as well as atheists and Christians, in hopes of having some clarity. I find that all sides have something I can credit to them, but overall the christian debaters seemed the most conclusive and direct with their answers, and that doesn't go unnoticed.
I realized through watching debates that although science has answers, it does not have all the answers. It can't. Because regardless of objectivity, there is always subjectivity. Feelings. Emotions. Experiences. History plays a role, the facts of Jesus' life on earth. There are recorded phenomenon and "miracles" that just one area of study cannot explain. Let me also say I think it is absurd to think we will fully understand a god. That idea is what creates man-made gods. If we can fully understand god, we are putting him at our level, which is not at all what a god is. I don't need to know all of god, I just need to know enough to worship with with not just my heart, or my soul, or my spirit, or my mind, but with all 4.
I don't feel wrong for doubting, and if you are, or ever have, you shouldn't either. One of the friends I reached out to said, "Doubting is a gift, don't run from it." At first I was very confused, because it always appears to be the opposite of faith, but I think the opposite of faith, much like the opposite of love, is indifference. If you are indifferent toward god, that is truly the hard place to be. But I am seeking to know the truth. If God is who I have believed he is, he can handle being put on trial, and will prove to be true. I am open to conversation, but this is something I am doing completely sober minded, not caught up in emotion or hurt or anything like that. I don't need to be persuaded, I want to be convinced. This is something that will take time, and I am learning to accept that it is okay. I don't need to rush this doubt, and there is purpose in this time in my life, too.
I have read blogs from others who have left Christianity, some with valid arguments, but the majority seemed to have fallen away because of anger at the church or being unimpressed with how Christians act. That isn't what this is. If your faith is based on another person, or the church, and if you are hurt by broken individuals, or institutions, that isn't God's fault. You don't walk away from god because the people around you let you down. You walk away from god when he has let you down. And he hasn't.
I want to be open on my blog about what a teen walking with Jesus really looks like. Throughout high school, I was always strong for the people who were falling away. They could confide in me, and trust that I would be steadfast. And in a way, I envied that I hadn't had a chance to consider a life outside of God. Not that should be something I want, but I did pride myself on being steadfast, and maybe I need a piece of humble pie and see that even those "strong in their faith" fall away, too.
I want so bad for God to be true, but I don't want to trust my experiences anymore. I want to know factual proof, and know that what I am believing is not in vain. I believe a god who wants to connect with us could provide the answers necessary for us to worship him, and I hope that he does. In the chance that I find god isn't real, isn't what I devote myself to, that may be the hardest thing I face. A life without god seems awfully scary and not nearly as free, but I need truth more than I need to believe what I want to be true. Thank you for reading, and letting me share this here, I hope without much condemnation for it. I'd be happy to discuss any "concerns", and will keep anyone who reads these posts up to date with where walking in doubt takes me.
Those I have told have responded that they are excited for me, and I couldn't ask for a more loving and understanding response. I am very fortunate to have such grounded Christians who truly represent Christ's love around me. How fortunate am I, that I get to feel broken and unsure of myself, and still be surrounded by so many who want the best for me, and are willing to help me find truth? I hope everyone who is doubting finds a similar community to support them, no matter the outcome.
Monday, May 30, 2016
How Do You Sum Up South Africa? (Part 1)
I just got back from 12 days in KwaZulu Natal region of South Africa. On the 25 hour journey it took me to get home, I had some time to think about how I wanted to share my trip. The first question that came to mind was, "how do you sum up South Africa?" I experienced a great deal in such a short time, and any explanation cannot compare to what I was apart of. But I will try my best. This will have to be in a series of posts, because only one will not do it justice. The focus of this post will be what I got to do every day.
Working with embercast (shout out Tony Sheng) has taught me a handful of things, one of them being to write down your mission trip experience 3 ways; a 20 minute, a 2 minute, and a 20 second description. This post will be my 2 minute summation of South Africa.
First off, I want to say a huge thank you to everyone who supported my trip, whether it be financially or with prayers, all of the contributions allowed for this life changing trip to take place.
After our short visit we drove to Winterton, where the majority of our trip was spent. Our team of 18 was split between two communities to help a missionary named Sofi at her center called Isibani in an urban setting, and to help Betsy in her ministry called Thembulethu in a more rural community.
We went to a church on Sunday which was also a huge highlight. The pastor, Musa, was in jail for selling drugs when God called him to plant a church in the ancestor worship community he grew up in. He was rejected by his family, and had a hard time planting, but knew what God had called him to. Every Saturday, he would go to a mountain top and pray for the community. There was a fire that spread through the town and up the mountain, burning everything except for the place Musa prayed in. Because of that, many came to Christ, and I got to worship with them, and share a little bit of what God has done in my life with them. Their worship and pure joy gives me chills just thinking about as I write this. I wish everyone could have seen them, they were the picture of freedom in Christ. Nothing would stop their worship, like seriously they sang and danced for a very long time, and it was so real. Not a script, not a moment that wasn't authentically praising God. This is where God's treasure is. In a little, cramped church in a rural community in the middle of nowhere South Africa. That is the church we need to model, because there is nothing to them but their love for Christ.
We finished the trip by just enjoying South Africa and God's creation there. We went on three safaris over two days, a night safari, a day time, and a boat safari. All of which were absolutely breathtaking and it was incredible to see the diversity and the beauty in everything.
Working with embercast (shout out Tony Sheng) has taught me a handful of things, one of them being to write down your mission trip experience 3 ways; a 20 minute, a 2 minute, and a 20 second description. This post will be my 2 minute summation of South Africa.
My definition of the abstract concept of "beautiful" has changed in two weeks.
Our team of 18, most of which were strangers to me, started the trip visiting Door of Hope, where I originally thought we would spend our whole week. We saw a ministry devoted to saving children abandoned on the street. The mothers can leave their newborn in a metal box, resembling a portable tool box, and someone inside is notified there is a baby that has been delivered. The child is then nursed back to life, and once they are healthy enough, they are put in the system for adoption. These kids were breathtaking. It was one of the greatest joys in my life to play with these healthy kids that were left to die on the streets. God has a good plan for each and every one of them. They came from such terrible circumstances, but they are going to be adopted. I cannot think of a better representation of Christ's love for us, pulling us out of the mess we were in, and adopting us into an eternal family.
After our short visit we drove to Winterton, where the majority of our trip was spent. Our team of 18 was split between two communities to help a missionary named Sofi at her center called Isibani in an urban setting, and to help Betsy in her ministry called Thembulethu in a more rural community.
The first half of my week was spent at Thembuletu, a ministry in Loskop
that translates to "Our Hope," a name the community gave Betsy. The mission work was very relational. We went on home visits and showed love to people in really tough situations. The first day was
my favorite! I got to shadow Spo, the social worker, who was checking in on
clients. I am pursuing a degree in social work so the opportunity to be on the field with her, the only day of the week she was there, was truly a godsend. The common theme of the visits involved concerns about HIV. It was either a family
member not willing to tell the infected person they were sick, or an ill person
rejecting medication. Community is so strong that they rather be accepted in
the community than address a health risk. Similar to the stigma on mental illness in the United States, HIV is something that no one wants to admit to or talk about, even though it is fairly common.
I was so moved by how Spo used her work as her mission. She would repeatedly tell her patients that she cares for them because God cares for them, and that even though she may not have all the answers, she can trust God does, and hopes that they would trust God, too. I thought I wanted to be a social worker, but now I know for sure that I do. After such an intense and emotional day, Spo was so full of grace and love, and I pray I can be half the social worker she is.
I was so moved by how Spo used her work as her mission. She would repeatedly tell her patients that she cares for them because God cares for them, and that even though she may not have all the answers, she can trust God does, and hopes that they would trust God, too. I thought I wanted to be a social worker, but now I know for sure that I do. After such an intense and emotional day, Spo was so full of grace and love, and I pray I can be half the social worker she is.
The next day we went on home visits with a nurse, and heard many praise
stories of people being healed or getting access to modern medicine because of Thembuletu's ministry. I don't think I got half way
through the day without tearing up. As I observed this
rural community, I was overwhelmingly aware of the fact that the working class was
nowhere to be found. Grandmothers, or gogos, were watching over grandchildren
while the parents were working in the cities far away not sending any
financial support back, or they just disappeared. The majority of the community can't work, which inevitably creates a cycle of poverty.
If you didn't see their homes, you would never guess they
were poor. Their spirits were more full and lively than I have seen in a long
time. They are aware they have little; they're not oblivious of what's available
in the cities and what wealthier people have, but I can honestly say they aren't seeking
those fleeting things. The mindset of entitlement is nowhere to be found, and for that, I truly
envy their lifestyle. Not every meal is guaranteed, so each meal is
received with true thanksgiving and joy.
Kids play, mostly with old glass bottles or worn out tires, but they play together and truly enjoy life. It was hard to feel sorry for them, when they were so content with their lives. I didn't leave pitying anyone as I originally anticipated. If anything I envied them for their satisfaction with simplicity. That's not to say they don't face difficulties. Many families bury family members in their yards who have died prematurely, and face their own diagnosis of life threatening illnesses, but that's not the first thing they would tell you. They would welcome you into their home, and share a smile and a hug and offer you anything they could, before you heard a single hardship they faced.
Kids play, mostly with old glass bottles or worn out tires, but they play together and truly enjoy life. It was hard to feel sorry for them, when they were so content with their lives. I didn't leave pitying anyone as I originally anticipated. If anything I envied them for their satisfaction with simplicity. That's not to say they don't face difficulties. Many families bury family members in their yards who have died prematurely, and face their own diagnosis of life threatening illnesses, but that's not the first thing they would tell you. They would welcome you into their home, and share a smile and a hug and offer you anything they could, before you heard a single hardship they faced.
In Isibani we did more labor-intensive work. We painted a
bunch of walls a nice teal color, because we had to leave our UNCW pride there, of course. After painting, we got to
pray over the rooms that we painted for the children that are going to learn
in there. I enjoyed this ministry because it wasn't like we got to see the
impact of our work, but we gave it up to God hoping new rooms
would be a blessing to the community. We also cleared up the yard of a couple
that literally could not get out of their house. The wife recently had her leg
amputated, and her husband had a stroke leaving him in a wheel chair and paralyzed on one side of his body. We were
able to smooth out their driveway and clear their yard of all the trash. Their
smiles afterwards were the best part.
We went to a church on Sunday which was also a huge highlight. The pastor, Musa, was in jail for selling drugs when God called him to plant a church in the ancestor worship community he grew up in. He was rejected by his family, and had a hard time planting, but knew what God had called him to. Every Saturday, he would go to a mountain top and pray for the community. There was a fire that spread through the town and up the mountain, burning everything except for the place Musa prayed in. Because of that, many came to Christ, and I got to worship with them, and share a little bit of what God has done in my life with them. Their worship and pure joy gives me chills just thinking about as I write this. I wish everyone could have seen them, they were the picture of freedom in Christ. Nothing would stop their worship, like seriously they sang and danced for a very long time, and it was so real. Not a script, not a moment that wasn't authentically praising God. This is where God's treasure is. In a little, cramped church in a rural community in the middle of nowhere South Africa. That is the church we need to model, because there is nothing to them but their love for Christ.
We finished the trip by just enjoying South Africa and God's creation there. We went on three safaris over two days, a night safari, a day time, and a boat safari. All of which were absolutely breathtaking and it was incredible to see the diversity and the beauty in everything.
The best part about the trip was really seeing Jesus more.
His love for my team, the people we were serving, the beauty of a life
following him. There was nothing physically beautiful about their way of life,
or our labor, but the spiritual benefits were incomparable. I really understood
biblical concepts more- like a day's journey, and selling cows for a wife
(which almost happened to a girl on my team hahaha), or the lepers of society.
Nothing was better than being with people who had HIV or TB and realizing their
place in society. And there I got to be, sitting in their little houses, loving
them and praying for them. I don't think I understood Jesus' ministry until I was in that moment.
Okay, I lied. Maybe this was more like my 20 minute summary, and there is more to come in future posts. If you have ever tried to explain God's characteristics to someone, you understand how incredibly limiting language can be. There never seems to be the right words to capture everything you see, and what I saw in South Africa is much like that. When I say beautiful, it means a million things now. Beauty is endless. It takes form in little faces with so much potential, and an incredible sunset with rich colors, and animals that are so majestic and graceful and scary and powerful all at the same time. And all of those things are beautiful. But I have seen beautiful things before, I just think after these two weeks I understand beauty. It's not something just to see and admire, but to be apart of. That sounds a bit hippy-ish, I know, but what I'm trying to say is all these things portray heaven on earth, and being apart of that heaven on earth is what its all about.
So you can actually see what I saw, here are some pictures!
So you can actually see what I saw, here are some pictures!
Thursday, April 7, 2016
Numb
Sometimes I get a word in my head and I can't get rid of it. Recently it's been the word numb. Initially I was going to write about how easy it is to become numb to the brokenness around us. The apathy that so naturally fills us because of how normal some things have become, sadly. But even more devastating is the fact that many of us are becoming apathetic to God by being numb to the Spirit.
How many of you go to church every week? How many of you stop and think about why you do that? How many of you read your bible every day, or every week? and what's the reason for that? When you open your bible, are you looking to find more of Jesus in it, or trying to get your moral lesson for the day that applies to your life?
I think we are becoming numb to our routine worship, so much so that it isn't even worship anymore. These people worship me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. - Matthew 15:8.
What does having a heart near to God look like?
My answer would be getting excited for what God is doing around you, and being aware of what he is doing in you. My pastor said in a recent sermon "we are too easily satisfied." We settle for temptations in comparison to the satisfaction we could find in the Lord. But even when we do come to him, we read a chapter in the bible or listen to a worship song and we got our "fix" for the day. No!!! The bible tells us to never stop rejoicing, never stop praying, never stop giving thanks. The fact we have our God time and carry on the majority of the day without regard for him is insanity. It's seriously such a shame we don't get excited for what God is doing anymore. When someone walks into a church for the first time we hardly notice. Instead we could be celebrating like they are in heaven. We take praying lightly, hardly remembering we are having a conversation with the Creator of the whole universe, who knit you together in your mother's womb, who has given you his righteousness that you do not deserve, but that's what he was willing to do to be one with you again. And discipleship is just because "you're supposed to." No wonder we're numb to brokenness of the world around us, we're numb to the Creator who shows it to us.
I claim, like many of you, that my hope is in Jesus, but I honestly don't think about him coming back. My mind is rarely set on eternity, very occasionally on things above. That is where I go numb. I am frequently indifferent to the reality that he will come again, and that there is urgency in our existence.
So if in any way you have become numb to the Lord, going to bible study because that's what every Thursday is for; the sake of routine rather than seeking Jesus, going to church for the music and to look nice, or just forgetting him in the small things, the question to ask now is how to un-numb yourself. How do you get back to that early excitement, that urgency, or maybe discover it for the first time? The best place, the only place, to start is with God. Tell him what you want, and if it's in line with his will, it will be answered. This is the confidence we have in approaching God; that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us - 1 John 5:14. And let me tell you, it's his will for you to be more intimate with him. If you want all things to flow from him, you have to go to him, asking for that to happen. You can do nothing apart from God, even loving him is through him. Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water - Hebrews 10:22.
Maybe mix up how you spend time with him, too. If you're in a relationship and your first date was at the movies, you don't only go to the movies the rest of your relationship. Hopefully you go out to eat, or explore new interests. Meet him in those new places; on a walk, in your room, in different worship music, in different service groups. Nothing is wrong with spicing up the relationship, especially if you will be more intimate with him as a result. Maybe you need to see God somewhere you haven't seen him before; let him out of the box he is so often put in. He isn't just there whenever you decide to dust off your bible, or when you enter a church building. Believe it or not, the all-knowing, sovereign Father is indeed everywhere. Find him there!
"If you seek me wholeheartedly, you will find me." - Jeremiah 29:13
How many of you go to church every week? How many of you stop and think about why you do that? How many of you read your bible every day, or every week? and what's the reason for that? When you open your bible, are you looking to find more of Jesus in it, or trying to get your moral lesson for the day that applies to your life?
I think we are becoming numb to our routine worship, so much so that it isn't even worship anymore. These people worship me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. - Matthew 15:8.
What does having a heart near to God look like?
My answer would be getting excited for what God is doing around you, and being aware of what he is doing in you. My pastor said in a recent sermon "we are too easily satisfied." We settle for temptations in comparison to the satisfaction we could find in the Lord. But even when we do come to him, we read a chapter in the bible or listen to a worship song and we got our "fix" for the day. No!!! The bible tells us to never stop rejoicing, never stop praying, never stop giving thanks. The fact we have our God time and carry on the majority of the day without regard for him is insanity. It's seriously such a shame we don't get excited for what God is doing anymore. When someone walks into a church for the first time we hardly notice. Instead we could be celebrating like they are in heaven. We take praying lightly, hardly remembering we are having a conversation with the Creator of the whole universe, who knit you together in your mother's womb, who has given you his righteousness that you do not deserve, but that's what he was willing to do to be one with you again. And discipleship is just because "you're supposed to." No wonder we're numb to brokenness of the world around us, we're numb to the Creator who shows it to us.
I claim, like many of you, that my hope is in Jesus, but I honestly don't think about him coming back. My mind is rarely set on eternity, very occasionally on things above. That is where I go numb. I am frequently indifferent to the reality that he will come again, and that there is urgency in our existence.
So if in any way you have become numb to the Lord, going to bible study because that's what every Thursday is for; the sake of routine rather than seeking Jesus, going to church for the music and to look nice, or just forgetting him in the small things, the question to ask now is how to un-numb yourself. How do you get back to that early excitement, that urgency, or maybe discover it for the first time? The best place, the only place, to start is with God. Tell him what you want, and if it's in line with his will, it will be answered. This is the confidence we have in approaching God; that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us - 1 John 5:14. And let me tell you, it's his will for you to be more intimate with him. If you want all things to flow from him, you have to go to him, asking for that to happen. You can do nothing apart from God, even loving him is through him. Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water - Hebrews 10:22.
Maybe mix up how you spend time with him, too. If you're in a relationship and your first date was at the movies, you don't only go to the movies the rest of your relationship. Hopefully you go out to eat, or explore new interests. Meet him in those new places; on a walk, in your room, in different worship music, in different service groups. Nothing is wrong with spicing up the relationship, especially if you will be more intimate with him as a result. Maybe you need to see God somewhere you haven't seen him before; let him out of the box he is so often put in. He isn't just there whenever you decide to dust off your bible, or when you enter a church building. Believe it or not, the all-knowing, sovereign Father is indeed everywhere. Find him there!
"If you seek me wholeheartedly, you will find me." - Jeremiah 29:13
Saturday, March 26, 2016
Where the Church Went Wrong
I was reading through Luke, and read Jesus' arrest differently. Right as Judas was about to betray Jesus with that legendary kiss, the disciples caught on to what was happening. The scene is in the garden, and soldiers are approaching Jesus and his disciples to take Jesus to the cross.
"When Jesus' followers saw what was going to happen {Jesus being betrayed}, they said, 'Lord, should we strike them with our swords?' And one of them struck the servant of the high priest, cutting off his right ear. But Jesus answered, 'No more of this!' And he touched the man's ear and healed him." - Luke 22:49-51
I remember when I was a senior in high school, I had this history teacher who wanted to make it very clear the church was at fault for a lot of historical events that could have been avoided. He loved talking about the Crusades and Christian bombers, and even the every day 'judgmental' and 'hypocritical' Christians everyone likes to point their finger at. It got me thinking, where did we go wrong? How did the church become the problem, rather than the solution? It's okay if people hate the church because of Jesus, it is not okay to hate Jesus because of the church. (John 15:18-25). We don't need everyone to like us. In fact, the Bible tells us that won't happen. What we do need is to be pointing others to Jesus. That is the very purpose of the church body.
The church has gone wrong with a rebellious heart, even behind good intent. The passage I put above is how I have seen Christian's react when they see people sinning, or using the Lord's name in vain. As Christ's body, we see something does not honor God, like Jesus being betrayed (good intent), so we act rashly, like cutting someone's ear off (poor follow through). We intervene, telling that awful sinner "No!" We want them to know the truth, the weight of their actions, but we forget that they aren't held to the same standard if they are not in Christ. We as Christians, cannot tell "outsiders" how they should behave (1 Corinthians 5:12-13). Christians, you have a good intention, don't get rid of that! But change your approach.
The interesting thing about this passage is the disciples asked Jesus what they should do, but before they listened to the Holy Spirit, the answer from Jesus, they went ahead and chopped a guy's ear off. The injured man didn't feel love in that moment, and he didn't understand truth better. He concluded that these people were up to no good. He, the servant of the high priest who in this scenario represents the non-church goer, rightfully interpreted that he was hated and unwanted because he opposed them. I love what Jesus does, though. Jesus says, "Stop it! I don't want anymore of this judgmental anger. You, the church, love and get personal with the people that oppose you." And he just puts the ear back on! Like sorry my people messed up, but you actually are loved. Humility.
So maybe the problem is we don't wait to hear from the Lord. The disciples asked the right question, "what should we do about this guy's disobedience?" but instead of waiting for Jesus to answer, they took matters into their own hands. They let their passion, although coming from a good place, take the place of truth, and grace, which are the two qualities Jesus fully expressed at all times.
The church didn't get its bad rep because people outside of the church didn't like it. The church got its bad rep because the people inside the church spent more time rebuking, correcting, and teaching people outside of the church than they did being rebuked, corrected, and taught by the Lord. Let's change that. Although the Lord has always seen the church as holy, (because his love is based on Jesus not on us), it is time for the world to see us that way, too, whether they like it or not. We, as the body, need to acknowledge where we have stepped out of line, especially to nonbelievers, and express the same humility Jesus did, putting the ear back on the man who he knew would arrest him anyways.
"Therefore, be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, and offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma." -Ephesians 5:1-2
"When Jesus' followers saw what was going to happen {Jesus being betrayed}, they said, 'Lord, should we strike them with our swords?' And one of them struck the servant of the high priest, cutting off his right ear. But Jesus answered, 'No more of this!' And he touched the man's ear and healed him." - Luke 22:49-51
I remember when I was a senior in high school, I had this history teacher who wanted to make it very clear the church was at fault for a lot of historical events that could have been avoided. He loved talking about the Crusades and Christian bombers, and even the every day 'judgmental' and 'hypocritical' Christians everyone likes to point their finger at. It got me thinking, where did we go wrong? How did the church become the problem, rather than the solution? It's okay if people hate the church because of Jesus, it is not okay to hate Jesus because of the church. (John 15:18-25). We don't need everyone to like us. In fact, the Bible tells us that won't happen. What we do need is to be pointing others to Jesus. That is the very purpose of the church body.
The church has gone wrong with a rebellious heart, even behind good intent. The passage I put above is how I have seen Christian's react when they see people sinning, or using the Lord's name in vain. As Christ's body, we see something does not honor God, like Jesus being betrayed (good intent), so we act rashly, like cutting someone's ear off (poor follow through). We intervene, telling that awful sinner "No!" We want them to know the truth, the weight of their actions, but we forget that they aren't held to the same standard if they are not in Christ. We as Christians, cannot tell "outsiders" how they should behave (1 Corinthians 5:12-13). Christians, you have a good intention, don't get rid of that! But change your approach.
The interesting thing about this passage is the disciples asked Jesus what they should do, but before they listened to the Holy Spirit, the answer from Jesus, they went ahead and chopped a guy's ear off. The injured man didn't feel love in that moment, and he didn't understand truth better. He concluded that these people were up to no good. He, the servant of the high priest who in this scenario represents the non-church goer, rightfully interpreted that he was hated and unwanted because he opposed them. I love what Jesus does, though. Jesus says, "Stop it! I don't want anymore of this judgmental anger. You, the church, love and get personal with the people that oppose you." And he just puts the ear back on! Like sorry my people messed up, but you actually are loved. Humility.
So maybe the problem is we don't wait to hear from the Lord. The disciples asked the right question, "what should we do about this guy's disobedience?" but instead of waiting for Jesus to answer, they took matters into their own hands. They let their passion, although coming from a good place, take the place of truth, and grace, which are the two qualities Jesus fully expressed at all times.
The church didn't get its bad rep because people outside of the church didn't like it. The church got its bad rep because the people inside the church spent more time rebuking, correcting, and teaching people outside of the church than they did being rebuked, corrected, and taught by the Lord. Let's change that. Although the Lord has always seen the church as holy, (because his love is based on Jesus not on us), it is time for the world to see us that way, too, whether they like it or not. We, as the body, need to acknowledge where we have stepped out of line, especially to nonbelievers, and express the same humility Jesus did, putting the ear back on the man who he knew would arrest him anyways.
"Therefore, be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, and offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma." -Ephesians 5:1-2
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
Answered Prayers
I've been wanting to blog the last few days, but I have honestly been speechless. I still am, but I can't take it anymore.
God is doing amazing things, and I just have to tell you about it!
I go to a secular, public university, but from my point of view the last few weeks, you could hardly tell. I'm not saying there isn't brokenness, not at all. What I am saying is that God's presence is so evident. This whole semester has been a journey of seeing God more, everywhere. But at this point, I don't even have to go looking, he is showing himself in places I was beginning to lose hope.
A few weeks ago, I started praying. I don't mean "watch over me as I sleep" prayers, but like real burdens. The real, "I don't even think you'll do anything God, but would you just listen to what's bothering me?" prayers. I have been complaining to God every day since, nagging on him to listen to my little worries, and my big ones. And he has been unbelievably faithful to fulfill every request, and more. (And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us. And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we will have the requests that we have asked of him. -1 John 5:14-15). I want to praise Jesus for meeting me there, but please note that whether God answers our prayers or not, he is still good, and still praiseworthy. Don't do yourself a disservice by having a shallow relationship with God, only thanking him when things are good, and avoiding him when they are not. He is the same, beautiful, majestic, glorious Father whether we recognize our blessings or not.
Anyways, my prayers were heard. The prayers he put on my heart, he has carried out. I'm pretty far into the semester now and I had the rude awakening right before spring break, that there is no more room for excuses. I can't say I'm not sharing the gospel because I am still adjusting, that I don't feel the call, that I'm too busy. God knows me too well to even entertain those excuses. I was out of excuses, but the miraculous thing was, I didn't want to have anymore excuses. I didn't, and don't want to resist anymore. Before I even started seeking a change, God was transforming my stubborn, pitiful heart into a willing, and hungry heart. But then what?
I haven't been bold in my faith, in terms of talking to strangers, sharing the gospel, in far too long. I felt rusty. Not an excuse, but another cry for help. "Okay God, we both want me to go, would you bring people alongside of me, with the same desires?" A day goes by. My roommate comes running in our room, all excited that a young man had asked to pray over her and engage in a spiritual conversation. She politely declined him, but we went on to have an hour conversation of the gospel she grew up hearing. Man, my conviction grew. People on campus are doing the stuff and I am beyond encouraged. When can I go?
The next day I'm sitting outside in beautiful weather and two older gentlemen come over and ask if we could have a spiritual conversation. "Heck yes, take a seat!" and the two sit before me. They tell me they are from Ohio, helping a new church plant on campus, and that their group have seen 7 people decide to put their faith in Jesus in that week alone. It was Tuesday when they stopped me. I told them I'm really eager but feel unprepared, and they offered that I shadow them the next day. Great! I had my people to teach me, but what happens after they leave? "God, would you please give me people who are on campus, who will join me?" Wednesday morning, a man at breakfast asked me what was on my mind. I had recognized him from one of the ministries I participate in on campus. Funny he should ask, as I was just talking to my mentor about how I wish the same ministry I am apart of with this guy would do more for the campus. Long story, but he has the same heart I do, wanting to go.
I went with the Ohio guys and invited my friend on campus. We separated from them and my two friends joined me in some conversations. It felt like I never stopped after just a few times. The guy I met at breakfast invited me to an event the following Saturday to join a group that are already involved on campus and in the community with the same stuff I'm interested in. We both go, and we both left amazed. I was expecting it to be all students, but of the 15 or so that were there, I think there were 5 students total. There were three staff members from our school, and nearby neighbors..every walk of life. All coming together to encourage each other and the ministry at hand. I got up at one point just too excited to sit still! God was and is doing something huge.
My other friend involved in a different ministry has been going on prayer walks like every day. I see Christian organizations rising up and waking up to the calling we've all fallen asleep to. Whether its be writing verses on the sidewalk, or meeting faithfully every week, or uttering Jesus name, He is being glorified more on this campus than I could have prayed to see in 4 more years at this university. There is change happening, and I am beyond elated that I'm not the only one who won't stop until we see it.
All of this to say, many peoples prayers are being answered, but on so many more levels than I can describe here.
So to end this long post (I didn't even include everything!), whether you are paying attention to how God is moving in your life and around you or not, he is. But man, you are missing out on some indescribable excitement if you don't tune in. I can honestly say my heart feels like it is going to explode every day from the life I have found in Jesus, and I pray the same for you.
"For you, O LORD, have made me glad with what you have done, I will sing for joy at the works of your hands." - Psalm 92:4
"Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think." - Ephesians 3:20
God is doing amazing things, and I just have to tell you about it!
I go to a secular, public university, but from my point of view the last few weeks, you could hardly tell. I'm not saying there isn't brokenness, not at all. What I am saying is that God's presence is so evident. This whole semester has been a journey of seeing God more, everywhere. But at this point, I don't even have to go looking, he is showing himself in places I was beginning to lose hope.
A few weeks ago, I started praying. I don't mean "watch over me as I sleep" prayers, but like real burdens. The real, "I don't even think you'll do anything God, but would you just listen to what's bothering me?" prayers. I have been complaining to God every day since, nagging on him to listen to my little worries, and my big ones. And he has been unbelievably faithful to fulfill every request, and more. (And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us. And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we will have the requests that we have asked of him. -1 John 5:14-15). I want to praise Jesus for meeting me there, but please note that whether God answers our prayers or not, he is still good, and still praiseworthy. Don't do yourself a disservice by having a shallow relationship with God, only thanking him when things are good, and avoiding him when they are not. He is the same, beautiful, majestic, glorious Father whether we recognize our blessings or not.
Anyways, my prayers were heard. The prayers he put on my heart, he has carried out. I'm pretty far into the semester now and I had the rude awakening right before spring break, that there is no more room for excuses. I can't say I'm not sharing the gospel because I am still adjusting, that I don't feel the call, that I'm too busy. God knows me too well to even entertain those excuses. I was out of excuses, but the miraculous thing was, I didn't want to have anymore excuses. I didn't, and don't want to resist anymore. Before I even started seeking a change, God was transforming my stubborn, pitiful heart into a willing, and hungry heart. But then what?
I haven't been bold in my faith, in terms of talking to strangers, sharing the gospel, in far too long. I felt rusty. Not an excuse, but another cry for help. "Okay God, we both want me to go, would you bring people alongside of me, with the same desires?" A day goes by. My roommate comes running in our room, all excited that a young man had asked to pray over her and engage in a spiritual conversation. She politely declined him, but we went on to have an hour conversation of the gospel she grew up hearing. Man, my conviction grew. People on campus are doing the stuff and I am beyond encouraged. When can I go?
The next day I'm sitting outside in beautiful weather and two older gentlemen come over and ask if we could have a spiritual conversation. "Heck yes, take a seat!" and the two sit before me. They tell me they are from Ohio, helping a new church plant on campus, and that their group have seen 7 people decide to put their faith in Jesus in that week alone. It was Tuesday when they stopped me. I told them I'm really eager but feel unprepared, and they offered that I shadow them the next day. Great! I had my people to teach me, but what happens after they leave? "God, would you please give me people who are on campus, who will join me?" Wednesday morning, a man at breakfast asked me what was on my mind. I had recognized him from one of the ministries I participate in on campus. Funny he should ask, as I was just talking to my mentor about how I wish the same ministry I am apart of with this guy would do more for the campus. Long story, but he has the same heart I do, wanting to go.
I went with the Ohio guys and invited my friend on campus. We separated from them and my two friends joined me in some conversations. It felt like I never stopped after just a few times. The guy I met at breakfast invited me to an event the following Saturday to join a group that are already involved on campus and in the community with the same stuff I'm interested in. We both go, and we both left amazed. I was expecting it to be all students, but of the 15 or so that were there, I think there were 5 students total. There were three staff members from our school, and nearby neighbors..every walk of life. All coming together to encourage each other and the ministry at hand. I got up at one point just too excited to sit still! God was and is doing something huge.
My other friend involved in a different ministry has been going on prayer walks like every day. I see Christian organizations rising up and waking up to the calling we've all fallen asleep to. Whether its be writing verses on the sidewalk, or meeting faithfully every week, or uttering Jesus name, He is being glorified more on this campus than I could have prayed to see in 4 more years at this university. There is change happening, and I am beyond elated that I'm not the only one who won't stop until we see it.
All of this to say, many peoples prayers are being answered, but on so many more levels than I can describe here.
So to end this long post (I didn't even include everything!), whether you are paying attention to how God is moving in your life and around you or not, he is. But man, you are missing out on some indescribable excitement if you don't tune in. I can honestly say my heart feels like it is going to explode every day from the life I have found in Jesus, and I pray the same for you.
"For you, O LORD, have made me glad with what you have done, I will sing for joy at the works of your hands." - Psalm 92:4
"Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think." - Ephesians 3:20
Friday, March 4, 2016
"Every Rose Has Its Thorn"
A year ago today my life changed, and little did I know at the time it was for the better. I am not going to give this date more hold in my life than it deserves, but this year reflection is worth noting.
I found myself incredibly broken and lost on March 5th, 2015. I think it is the most vulnerable I have been in a long time. God has used that vulnerability in amazing ways this past year.
I knew that you had to come to the end of yourself to turn to God, I had done that a few times before. But I came to such a place where I was paralyzed on my own. Something had to change. Both in my physical situation, but in my spiritual life as well.
I was doing okay. I stayed out of trouble, was attending church, avoiding bad, associating with good. I even went to weekly bible study afterwards like nothing had happened the week before. But that wasn't what God wanted for me. He wanted, and still wants, my heart to long for Him and put Him above all else. To love Him, not because doing so keeps my life relatively stable and I don't have trouble around me, but because loving Him is what I am made to do. He made it possible for me to have full access to Him through Jesus (Romans 3:23-24), and He wants me to live in the freedom of knowing Him. I don't think I could know Him like I do now, if I hadn't been stripped of everything I was holding onto a year ago. Coming to God isn't comfortable, but that isn't a reason to avoid it. Note that when I say coming to God, I don't mean coming to church, coming to bible studies...not where He is. I mean coming to who He is.
He showed his love, presence, and action in my life so tangibly in the following weeks. I have an amazing mentor (seriously, everyone needs someone pouring into them) that stepped in and helped me turn to God for answers when I was so so lost. Anna Moore is something else, y'all. Anyways, He sent her and her husband to guide me through something I could have never done on my own. They loved me enough to show me such an incredible balance between comfort and sternness. They didn't go easy on me, they didn't tell me what I wanted to hear. They loved me too much to do that. Letting go of comfort was, and is, one of the hardest things for me. It's a lot like a thorny rose. You get poked by a thorn and find it is easier to hold on than to feel it being pulled out of your skin. Once the thorn is pulled, there is a little blood (or grieving), but then you can see the rose for more than the thorn. That's what I needed. I could have gotten comfortable with pain, but Jesus felt all the pain so I didn't have to stay in what hurt.
I got to mourn and grieve and feel like crap. I went through denial, anger, rebellion. All of it, but with Him. He wept with me, and held me like a Father holds a newborn. He disciplined me and showed me being His is all that mattered to him. I couldn't give anything, and he carried me every second I wanted to give up. He put a strength in me I never knew was possible.
I ended up getting into my current university (I was dying to go to) in the spring, which allowed me to go experience all that I did in Arizona.
Arizona wouldn't have happened if I didn't let go.
That alone makes me want to run to God and ask what else I am holding on to that is standing in the way of unexpected blessings. God's presence was sooooooo evident in Arizona, and he grew me as a believer and a young woman in such a beautiful way. I no longer felt like the thorny part of a rose, but the rose itself. I learned and experienced true forgiveness, which allowed me to forgive others. I understood Jesus' love more than I ever could have if I was seeking love in other things. I understood His lordship and the importance of revering him as the true authority. He is sovereign and yet so personal. I learned being in such an unconditional relationship with my one true love. I could give him every intimate detail about me, knowing it was in good hands. If I needed to learn how to trust, it was going to be with the most faithful. If I was going to understand love, it was going to be with the God that is Love (1 John 4:8). When I couldn't give him my "good deeds" or even the time of day, he showed me he didn't care how I responded, but that he would love me the same. He is no joke.
This year makes me wonder what other events have changed the course of my life, and how God used such a mess, such a brokenness to make me more whole than I was before I broke. Do you remember any days when God just intervened so clearly and set you on his path? I'm thankful for March 5th, 2015. Something I thought I would never say. But with God, never say never. This day will mean nothing in the years to come but maybe a reminder that sin never has the final word.
2015 was messy. But it was the best year of my life. I experienced more pain, and more beauty than ever before in my life (in such a short time), and I got to see new parts of God to fall in love with through it all.
Don't get me wrong, God isn't good just because my life is better, and prayers got answered. He isn't good because now it is okay, but because he met me there, sobbing in my car, yelling at Him. He saw me as the rose in that moment, and loved me enough to walk through everything with me so that I could see the rose I am, too.
I hope this is an encouragement to anyone who feels like God doesn't see where you're at, or there is no way to bounce back. Seriously, yell at God if that's what you need, He can take it. Just anyway you can let Him in. His love for you is so genuine He will never force it on you, but accept it. It's there.
Also, don't hate any part of your story. God uses everything, especially, the most unexpected things to let you know your worth to Him.
“Some people grumble that roses have thorns; I am grateful that thorns have roses.”
― Alphonse Karr, A Tour Round My Garden
I found myself incredibly broken and lost on March 5th, 2015. I think it is the most vulnerable I have been in a long time. God has used that vulnerability in amazing ways this past year.
I knew that you had to come to the end of yourself to turn to God, I had done that a few times before. But I came to such a place where I was paralyzed on my own. Something had to change. Both in my physical situation, but in my spiritual life as well.
I was doing okay. I stayed out of trouble, was attending church, avoiding bad, associating with good. I even went to weekly bible study afterwards like nothing had happened the week before. But that wasn't what God wanted for me. He wanted, and still wants, my heart to long for Him and put Him above all else. To love Him, not because doing so keeps my life relatively stable and I don't have trouble around me, but because loving Him is what I am made to do. He made it possible for me to have full access to Him through Jesus (Romans 3:23-24), and He wants me to live in the freedom of knowing Him. I don't think I could know Him like I do now, if I hadn't been stripped of everything I was holding onto a year ago. Coming to God isn't comfortable, but that isn't a reason to avoid it. Note that when I say coming to God, I don't mean coming to church, coming to bible studies...not where He is. I mean coming to who He is.
He showed his love, presence, and action in my life so tangibly in the following weeks. I have an amazing mentor (seriously, everyone needs someone pouring into them) that stepped in and helped me turn to God for answers when I was so so lost. Anna Moore is something else, y'all. Anyways, He sent her and her husband to guide me through something I could have never done on my own. They loved me enough to show me such an incredible balance between comfort and sternness. They didn't go easy on me, they didn't tell me what I wanted to hear. They loved me too much to do that. Letting go of comfort was, and is, one of the hardest things for me. It's a lot like a thorny rose. You get poked by a thorn and find it is easier to hold on than to feel it being pulled out of your skin. Once the thorn is pulled, there is a little blood (or grieving), but then you can see the rose for more than the thorn. That's what I needed. I could have gotten comfortable with pain, but Jesus felt all the pain so I didn't have to stay in what hurt.
I got to mourn and grieve and feel like crap. I went through denial, anger, rebellion. All of it, but with Him. He wept with me, and held me like a Father holds a newborn. He disciplined me and showed me being His is all that mattered to him. I couldn't give anything, and he carried me every second I wanted to give up. He put a strength in me I never knew was possible.
I ended up getting into my current university (I was dying to go to) in the spring, which allowed me to go experience all that I did in Arizona.
Arizona wouldn't have happened if I didn't let go.
That alone makes me want to run to God and ask what else I am holding on to that is standing in the way of unexpected blessings. God's presence was sooooooo evident in Arizona, and he grew me as a believer and a young woman in such a beautiful way. I no longer felt like the thorny part of a rose, but the rose itself. I learned and experienced true forgiveness, which allowed me to forgive others. I understood Jesus' love more than I ever could have if I was seeking love in other things. I understood His lordship and the importance of revering him as the true authority. He is sovereign and yet so personal. I learned being in such an unconditional relationship with my one true love. I could give him every intimate detail about me, knowing it was in good hands. If I needed to learn how to trust, it was going to be with the most faithful. If I was going to understand love, it was going to be with the God that is Love (1 John 4:8). When I couldn't give him my "good deeds" or even the time of day, he showed me he didn't care how I responded, but that he would love me the same. He is no joke.
This year makes me wonder what other events have changed the course of my life, and how God used such a mess, such a brokenness to make me more whole than I was before I broke. Do you remember any days when God just intervened so clearly and set you on his path? I'm thankful for March 5th, 2015. Something I thought I would never say. But with God, never say never. This day will mean nothing in the years to come but maybe a reminder that sin never has the final word.
2015 was messy. But it was the best year of my life. I experienced more pain, and more beauty than ever before in my life (in such a short time), and I got to see new parts of God to fall in love with through it all.
Don't get me wrong, God isn't good just because my life is better, and prayers got answered. He isn't good because now it is okay, but because he met me there, sobbing in my car, yelling at Him. He saw me as the rose in that moment, and loved me enough to walk through everything with me so that I could see the rose I am, too.
I hope this is an encouragement to anyone who feels like God doesn't see where you're at, or there is no way to bounce back. Seriously, yell at God if that's what you need, He can take it. Just anyway you can let Him in. His love for you is so genuine He will never force it on you, but accept it. It's there.
Also, don't hate any part of your story. God uses everything, especially, the most unexpected things to let you know your worth to Him.
“Some people grumble that roses have thorns; I am grateful that thorns have roses.”
― Alphonse Karr, A Tour Round My Garden
These two songs are so so quality and kind of explain God and me this past year, and maybe is what you need to hear :)
"Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you"
"The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God." -- Psalm 51:12,17
Wednesday, February 10, 2016
Why Jesus Wasn't Good
College makes me think about Jesus, A LOT.
I think about what kind of student Jesus would be, what clubs he would be in, where you'd find him. Your first thought may be he would obviously know everything so he would have straight As and extra points for totally being a legacy of his Dad who created everything. You might think he would be in all the bible studies and president of the service clubs and MVP in everything. But I don't think the answers are that obvious.
I've been reading through Luke and realizing with new eyes that Jesus was a bad dude, in the best kind of way. He would probably be failing most of his college classes because he would be challenging the expertise of professors with doctorates in their respective subjects. Think about it, he pretty much told the Pharisees over and over they didn't understand the purpose of the law and what it really said, when they spent their whole lives worshiping the law. He wouldn't go to every bible study, and join every service group because those people already have it together ("It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance." - Luke 5:31-32). Although Jesus is far from ordinary, I think he would blend in. He would hang out with other failing students, and spend time alone in his dorm room (But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed. - Luke 5:16). I can almost guarantee he would be in the fishing club though! He wouldn't draw attention to himself as president of being perfect. You probably would walk right by him.
Jesus was all about his father's business, and anyone who knows anything about business knows it is messy. I'm sure you're familiar with the phrase, "what's right isn't always easy, and what's easy isn't always right." I would say that was Jesus' life motto. If he did things easy, well, we wouldn't have a Savior for one thing, but he wouldn't challenge the norms. What was right for the sake of his father's business was to make people uncomfortable. He didn't do what was expected of someone who loved God, because his relationship with God wasn't based on his performance (although he would've aced that). He wasn't doing good for people to be identified as a Christian, because if you aren't doing good things you can't be associated with God, right? WRONG. He was with the so called "bad" people because he cared about their needs rather than making a respectable image for himself. Jesus never set out to be good, he redefined what is good.
Although Lent is traditionally Catholic, I really cherish it as a time all believers should partake in. This Lent, I want to be bad. I don't want to improve my religious reputation by getting rid of something that is already bad for me, I want to change how I approach my walk with God, I want to learn how to be bad for the right reasons. I would challenge you to do the same. Lent is between you and God, so I will not share what it will look like for me, because it shouldn't look the same for you.
"All the people in the synagogue were furious when they heard this (teaching from Jesus). They got up, drove him (Jesus) out of town, and took him to the brow of the hill on which the town was built, in order to throw him down the cliff. But he walked right through the crowd and went on his way." -Luke 4:28-29
I think about what kind of student Jesus would be, what clubs he would be in, where you'd find him. Your first thought may be he would obviously know everything so he would have straight As and extra points for totally being a legacy of his Dad who created everything. You might think he would be in all the bible studies and president of the service clubs and MVP in everything. But I don't think the answers are that obvious.
I've been reading through Luke and realizing with new eyes that Jesus was a bad dude, in the best kind of way. He would probably be failing most of his college classes because he would be challenging the expertise of professors with doctorates in their respective subjects. Think about it, he pretty much told the Pharisees over and over they didn't understand the purpose of the law and what it really said, when they spent their whole lives worshiping the law. He wouldn't go to every bible study, and join every service group because those people already have it together ("It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance." - Luke 5:31-32). Although Jesus is far from ordinary, I think he would blend in. He would hang out with other failing students, and spend time alone in his dorm room (But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed. - Luke 5:16). I can almost guarantee he would be in the fishing club though! He wouldn't draw attention to himself as president of being perfect. You probably would walk right by him.
Jesus was all about his father's business, and anyone who knows anything about business knows it is messy. I'm sure you're familiar with the phrase, "what's right isn't always easy, and what's easy isn't always right." I would say that was Jesus' life motto. If he did things easy, well, we wouldn't have a Savior for one thing, but he wouldn't challenge the norms. What was right for the sake of his father's business was to make people uncomfortable. He didn't do what was expected of someone who loved God, because his relationship with God wasn't based on his performance (although he would've aced that). He wasn't doing good for people to be identified as a Christian, because if you aren't doing good things you can't be associated with God, right? WRONG. He was with the so called "bad" people because he cared about their needs rather than making a respectable image for himself. Jesus never set out to be good, he redefined what is good.
Although Lent is traditionally Catholic, I really cherish it as a time all believers should partake in. This Lent, I want to be bad. I don't want to improve my religious reputation by getting rid of something that is already bad for me, I want to change how I approach my walk with God, I want to learn how to be bad for the right reasons. I would challenge you to do the same. Lent is between you and God, so I will not share what it will look like for me, because it shouldn't look the same for you.
"All the people in the synagogue were furious when they heard this (teaching from Jesus). They got up, drove him (Jesus) out of town, and took him to the brow of the hill on which the town was built, in order to throw him down the cliff. But he walked right through the crowd and went on his way." -Luke 4:28-29
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
Meaninglessness
This past week I was fortunate enough to start my college career at University of North Carolina- Wilmington. I love it so much and it's been everything I have wanted it to be. The downside is that I've been having a hard time getting in a consistent quiet time. I've been slacking on seeking the Lord for what my college years will be about, what purpose he may be preparing me for in this season, and although there is no good excuse to skipping out on my precious relationship with him, my reason is that I am overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed with who am I and how am I supposed to decide my future career and why am I joining the surf club and a criminology club and am I who I was in high school, how do I become something new, better? All these things are floating around in my head, and I know they only have answers in Jesus, because he's the basis of my life, right? At least I thought.
In a freshman seminar every first year student has to take, I was asked what I want to get out of life. My first instinct wasn't to know Jesus more... and man was I convicted. I first thought travel...but then what's the point of seeing the world, and not praising the one who made it? and eventually, I would run out of places to go...so upfront I know that isn't fulfilling...its a good distraction, looking like it has intent when it really is focusing on the things of this world rather than things above. (Not that traveling is bad!!) I was more impacted by my classmates responses. The majority of them said that out of life they want to get "success" and "happiness." I was really sad for them. Not that those aren't great things, but that's what they want to look back and say they obtained. Happiness, Success. As I was reading their answers and my own on the board in front of me, I just kept thinking Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. There's a great chapter in Ecclesiastes about how everything in this world is meaningless, and in that moment that rang truer than ever before. I just realized then that all these pursuits for happiness, for success, for adventure, for a college degree, and anything else is all so meaningless when there is no God involved.
That is why I am reminded constantly I want people to know Jesus. It's like being able to have a thanksgiving feast every day with him, and choosing to dig for scraps of success and half-eaten happiness out of the dumpster you travel to. In this eagerness I have to tell people about Jesus, I hear him telling me to yield to him. I'm like what? Dude I've been waiting to get out there and talk about him. But after attending a church on Sunday and an awesome college ministry called overflow on Tuesday, I got the pretty clear message my heart isn't ready. I am not seeking him in my own life, who am I to tell others to? I'm all about walking the talk... Not that I have to pray every day and read my bible to have Jesus, but if those aren't a priority in my life, I have to be real and say that he hasn't been either. I am not spending time at his feet, and after a few years of this I've realized that even talking about him can come from a selfish ambition. Talking about him for my own fulfillment rather than his glory, is meaningless too. This is kinda where I am thankful for the gift of discernment and learning to wait...even when your plans sound good.
So instead of looking ahead and getting overwhelmed, I'm just going to look back. Not even to the beginning of my walk with Jesus, but back to the beginning when he was walking with me and I didn't even know it yet. He's guided me well this far, bringing meaning to my life even when I have wandered off, and he is guiding me now. When he hasn't been my priority, I'm still his...and that's a game changer! Now I just gotta seek him for those overwhelming things, but more importantly just seek him for him and who he is because you can't talk about someone you don't know (well...you shouldn't...)
"Talk is cheap, like daydreams and other useless activities. Fear God instead." - Ecclesiastes 5:7 (NLT)
Keep my peers and me in your prayers, because we're all trying to figure out who we are going to be in this world, and all of us could use some guidance from up above.
** Also praise God for the huge group of believers here who are seeking Him and living for him daily! **
In a freshman seminar every first year student has to take, I was asked what I want to get out of life. My first instinct wasn't to know Jesus more... and man was I convicted. I first thought travel...but then what's the point of seeing the world, and not praising the one who made it? and eventually, I would run out of places to go...so upfront I know that isn't fulfilling...its a good distraction, looking like it has intent when it really is focusing on the things of this world rather than things above. (Not that traveling is bad!!) I was more impacted by my classmates responses. The majority of them said that out of life they want to get "success" and "happiness." I was really sad for them. Not that those aren't great things, but that's what they want to look back and say they obtained. Happiness, Success. As I was reading their answers and my own on the board in front of me, I just kept thinking Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. There's a great chapter in Ecclesiastes about how everything in this world is meaningless, and in that moment that rang truer than ever before. I just realized then that all these pursuits for happiness, for success, for adventure, for a college degree, and anything else is all so meaningless when there is no God involved.
That is why I am reminded constantly I want people to know Jesus. It's like being able to have a thanksgiving feast every day with him, and choosing to dig for scraps of success and half-eaten happiness out of the dumpster you travel to. In this eagerness I have to tell people about Jesus, I hear him telling me to yield to him. I'm like what? Dude I've been waiting to get out there and talk about him. But after attending a church on Sunday and an awesome college ministry called overflow on Tuesday, I got the pretty clear message my heart isn't ready. I am not seeking him in my own life, who am I to tell others to? I'm all about walking the talk... Not that I have to pray every day and read my bible to have Jesus, but if those aren't a priority in my life, I have to be real and say that he hasn't been either. I am not spending time at his feet, and after a few years of this I've realized that even talking about him can come from a selfish ambition. Talking about him for my own fulfillment rather than his glory, is meaningless too. This is kinda where I am thankful for the gift of discernment and learning to wait...even when your plans sound good.
So instead of looking ahead and getting overwhelmed, I'm just going to look back. Not even to the beginning of my walk with Jesus, but back to the beginning when he was walking with me and I didn't even know it yet. He's guided me well this far, bringing meaning to my life even when I have wandered off, and he is guiding me now. When he hasn't been my priority, I'm still his...and that's a game changer! Now I just gotta seek him for those overwhelming things, but more importantly just seek him for him and who he is because you can't talk about someone you don't know (well...you shouldn't...)
"Talk is cheap, like daydreams and other useless activities. Fear God instead." - Ecclesiastes 5:7 (NLT)
Keep my peers and me in your prayers, because we're all trying to figure out who we are going to be in this world, and all of us could use some guidance from up above.
** Also praise God for the huge group of believers here who are seeking Him and living for him daily! **
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