Seeing Jesus

Since I've become a believer, I've had some serious times of doubt in my faith.. But it caught me off guard that I have recently while being in Arizona. In my mind I thought, "if I'm surrounded by a church and godly influences all the time, I shouldn't doubt." But then I remember that my relationship with Jesus is about me and Him, not the church. It's personal, and is based on my experiences not just what the church teaches. 

My doubts have all come back to is it worth it to wait for who knows how long to maybe see Jesus, if he'll even be there? 

But then, by the grace of God, it dawned on me, I don't have to wait until I die to see Jesus...I see him every day. Before some of you jump to say I'm hallucinating or seeing things to fit my beliefs rather than reality, let me explain. I see him in more that the breathtaking colors of the sunrise or the laughter and innocence of kids, although he is there, he's in even more beautiful things.

Recently I was in a women's bible study, with ladies ages 15 to 97... In the group a blind lady holding a Braille Bible, with more faith and love than anyone I've met, a 97 year old with a nerve condition, a new mother, a shy girl who didn't pray out loud, and a woman coming in from work still in her scrubs...that is where I see God. Women who have millions of excuses as why God isn't worth it, why following him isn't convenient, and they're sitting together in the room full of thankfulness and eagerness to praise Jesus and learn to be like him. 

It's worth the struggles that he promises, the days of doubt, the vulnerability and the awkwardness of feeling unable to contribute in worldly settings because to see God move so powerfully in even one person, beyond explanation or reason or logic, is chilling. 

Seeing prayers get answered, people healed, homes sold, overcoming addictions, marriages restored... The list goes on of the work of his hand. I'm stunned every day that the God I believe in is actually doing what I say to believe he can do! 

Amadeo exhibits such faith...and sometimes watching the church's faith restores my own. They are expanding into a new building pretty soon, and the financial means to make this happen are lacking...by thousands. But one month they are 6,000 behind the necessary costs, and the next month they make that plus the amount needed for that month. Through it all they knew God would provide somehow and he did. Not just financially but also relationally there has been some hurt with people wanting to leave the church, but there is faith new people will come alongside Amadeo. In one week a couple left the church and a new family arrived and are so excited to be apart of the Amadeo family. 

Not to mention all the areas I'm serving..like in the food pantry this past week we only had 30 boxes to give to the homeless instead of the usual 100. I saw Jesus in my fellow servers who cried and had broken hearts that they couldn't serve the best quality to their community, instead of being happy with less work. They are more than elated to go the extra mile if it means more mouths are fed and more people to show Jesus to.

So will I doubt again? Absolutely. And instead of condemning myself or feeling that doubt isn't acceptable, I'll acknowledge it, but that won't be the end of it. What I know now is I just have to look around me and be proven wrong. Not just in the church, but having the privilege to watch God love people who don't love him back, to see his work in my life through my testimony, and to time and time again see him follow through on the promises of the bible. 

So prayer requests: 

For anyone who is doubting- let them turn to God instead of away from him. There is no shame in doubting, he still wants a relationship with you. 

For Amadeo- meet their financial needs, grow in love for each other, the community, and the other churches they unite with. 

For the food pantry- for the workers to blessed like they bless others, and for more food to come in so we can better meet the needs of the poor we so desperately want to love. 

"And he said to them, “Why are you troubled, and why do doubts arise in your hearts? See my hands and my feet, that it is I myself." - Luke 24:38-39

18 "Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!" - Isaiah 30:18

Behind the Scenes

This past Sunday I had the privilege of teaching here at Amadeo! I've been asked a few times since what was the process behind the sermon so I decided to share it here!

I was hoping I would get the chance to speak but was too scared to ask, so when Pastor Ben asked me to I jumped on the opportunity! I have a few blog posts I haven't shared publicly with ideas God has been stirring in my heart, so I decided I would look for a topic there. The first idea that came to mind was the importance of rest. I see so many here at the church working hard to keep ministries running, but in the process they are forgetting to care for themselves. I've caught myself doing that and even thinking of rest as "laziness." When God definitely intended for us to rest. So I started preparing that sermon and about half way through, I believe God told me to write on discipline. And to be honest, I really didn't want to. I've only been apart of this church for two months and as an 18 year old outsider, who am I to tell this congregation (the majority of which are older than me) that they need discipline? But in a way agreeing to speak on this topic was a way, I got to "lay my life down" because it wasn't what I wanted, but I trusted there was a reason God wanted me to deliver that message. 

I wish I could say discipline was something I had mastered before I spoke...but that isn't the case. Nowhere near perfect in this area. I couldn't help but feel like a hypocrite, writing about  accepting the Lord disciplines when I knew in my own life I was struggling with that. But Shelly, who has been my go to for practically everything, gave me really great advice. She said if the sermon changed even one persons heart, even if it was my own, then it was worth it. So from the perspective, the sermon was a success. While writing my notes, it turned into me writing the message I needed. I saw my weaknesses more than ever in this time, but also the reality God's strength in those moments. 

I told someone I was sharing on discipline and their response was, "well what about new believers? Won't that scare them away?" And at first I agreed, but after some thought and prayer I realized if anything we should be learning from new believers because they understand their need for Jesus to be head of their life and lead their paths, which is a truth we often forget with time. Also, the bible tells us God disciplines everyone he calls his child, so I believe it applies to all. This realization also gave me confidence that even in my position, I had authority to teach on this because 1) I am receiving the same discipline others are and 2) we are all under the guidance of one spirit, the Holy Spirit, and so I can teach even people who are older than me because it's not me, it's him and his word, I'm just delivering it.

I wrote my first draft and sent it to Ben. This was the scariest part for me because he's been doing this a long time and all I could think was that he would look at it and be like "what is this nonsense?! No way she's speaking!" But he was so gracious. He corrected my mistakes and helped me refocus because as you can tell from my blog posts or any conversation with me, I jump all over the place! I don't take lightly the honor it is to have a pastor I admire so much take the time to steer me the right way and invest in me. It's a big deal for him to let a little girl like me teach the people he spends his life pouring into. He had faith in me. He even left during the second service and I have to admit I panicked a little knowing he wasn't in the building, but again it gave me confidence to know he believed in me. 

My worst fear was that someone would be upset that I was speaking because it wasn't my place, I didn't earn the chance to speak, I hadn't done my time or proven anything in the time I've been here. That fear unfortunately came true when I heard someone say they were angry i would take the stage when they haven't been allowed to. This shook my confidence a bit, and happened Saturday. Needless to say that night I didn't get much sleep. I woke up Sunday morning totally spent and all I could manage to say as I got out of bed was "Lord, I got nothing. I don't feel prepared, I don't know what I'm doing but I am going to show up and I'll trust you will do the same." And he did. I taught in 3 different services and in every single one something different came out of my mouth that was not on my script, and sounded way better than me. I trust that through my shaky words, short breaths, and "ums" God delivered something. 

Between each service I was overwhelmed with so much encouragement and helpful tips that really kept me going. Shelly even made special arrangements so she would be able to come to the first service so I could look at a familiar face for comfort. Am I surrounded by the best people or what? I had people asking for my notes and my PowerPoint (probably because I talked too fast to get what I was saying haha) but nonetheless I was flattered. I can see where a pastor could lose God in this process though. There's a lot of worries about sounding good, looking good, and pleasing people instead of delivering the message from God.

The next day I got a message from someone on Facebook seeming concerned that I was allowed to teach, given that I am a female in the church. I hadn't really made my mind up on how o feel about women teaching until he confronted me with this concern. Let me preface this with the fact that your opinion on this is not a matter of salvation: how you feel about this doesn't determine if you are in Christ or not, so it shouldn't be dividing us as believers. You read verses like 1 Timothy 2:12 which says "I do not permit women to teach or to exercise authority over a man; rather, she is to remain quiet." I want to face this argument and not run from it. These are my thoughts, not from God but where I stand on it. There are arguments that there aren't that many verses about it so it's not a big deal. Well, every verse matters. We can't pick and choose what we like. If we believe the bible transcends time, then the argument that the fact women were even allowed to learn with men was huge for that time period also falls on its face. So, what is it? Well all I can speak from is my experience. As head pastor, Ben has authority over all the other speakers. He asked me to speak and because of that I don't see anything wrong with it. If you disagree that is ok. Below I will post the video of my sermon for anyone interested in watching it, and my prayer is that the truth would be heard no matter who is giving the message. 

Anyways, this was such a wonderful learning experience! God did a big work in my heart through this, and I'm so thankful for how it's forming me. I'm trying to see where my gifts are and it's exciting I had the chance to try out teaching! With some public speaking training and a chill pill, I could get really good at this! Amadeo has encouraged me to be the best me God created. And they do the same for all of their members. I saw how ministry is tough, the joy in it, and the necessity of the Holy Spirit in it all. 

I like to end these posts with a verse and the best one I could find to capture all that I experienced I s 1 Timothy 4:12 "Don't let anyone think less of you because you are young. Be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity."

Video of Sermon:

https://www.boxcast.com/show/#/oct-11th-service-10am-2

I don't know how to put up my PowerPoint or notes but I will post them somewhere!