I found myself incredibly broken and lost on March 5th, 2015. I think it is the most vulnerable I have been in a long time. God has used that vulnerability in amazing ways this past year.
I knew that you had to come to the end of yourself to turn to God, I had done that a few times before. But I came to such a place where I was paralyzed on my own. Something had to change. Both in my physical situation, but in my spiritual life as well.
I was doing okay. I stayed out of trouble, was attending church, avoiding bad, associating with good. I even went to weekly bible study afterwards like nothing had happened the week before. But that wasn't what God wanted for me. He wanted, and still wants, my heart to long for Him and put Him above all else. To love Him, not because doing so keeps my life relatively stable and I don't have trouble around me, but because loving Him is what I am made to do. He made it possible for me to have full access to Him through Jesus (Romans 3:23-24), and He wants me to live in the freedom of knowing Him. I don't think I could know Him like I do now, if I hadn't been stripped of everything I was holding onto a year ago. Coming to God isn't comfortable, but that isn't a reason to avoid it. Note that when I say coming to God, I don't mean coming to church, coming to bible studies...not where He is. I mean coming to who He is.
He showed his love, presence, and action in my life so tangibly in the following weeks. I have an amazing mentor (seriously, everyone needs someone pouring into them) that stepped in and helped me turn to God for answers when I was so so lost. Anna Moore is something else, y'all. Anyways, He sent her and her husband to guide me through something I could have never done on my own. They loved me enough to show me such an incredible balance between comfort and sternness. They didn't go easy on me, they didn't tell me what I wanted to hear. They loved me too much to do that. Letting go of comfort was, and is, one of the hardest things for me. It's a lot like a thorny rose. You get poked by a thorn and find it is easier to hold on than to feel it being pulled out of your skin. Once the thorn is pulled, there is a little blood (or grieving), but then you can see the rose for more than the thorn. That's what I needed. I could have gotten comfortable with pain, but Jesus felt all the pain so I didn't have to stay in what hurt.
I got to mourn and grieve and feel like crap. I went through denial, anger, rebellion. All of it, but with Him. He wept with me, and held me like a Father holds a newborn. He disciplined me and showed me being His is all that mattered to him. I couldn't give anything, and he carried me every second I wanted to give up. He put a strength in me I never knew was possible.
I ended up getting into my current university (I was dying to go to) in the spring, which allowed me to go experience all that I did in Arizona.
Arizona wouldn't have happened if I didn't let go.
That alone makes me want to run to God and ask what else I am holding on to that is standing in the way of unexpected blessings. God's presence was sooooooo evident in Arizona, and he grew me as a believer and a young woman in such a beautiful way. I no longer felt like the thorny part of a rose, but the rose itself. I learned and experienced true forgiveness, which allowed me to forgive others. I understood Jesus' love more than I ever could have if I was seeking love in other things. I understood His lordship and the importance of revering him as the true authority. He is sovereign and yet so personal. I learned being in such an unconditional relationship with my one true love. I could give him every intimate detail about me, knowing it was in good hands. If I needed to learn how to trust, it was going to be with the most faithful. If I was going to understand love, it was going to be with the God that is Love (1 John 4:8). When I couldn't give him my "good deeds" or even the time of day, he showed me he didn't care how I responded, but that he would love me the same. He is no joke.
This year makes me wonder what other events have changed the course of my life, and how God used such a mess, such a brokenness to make me more whole than I was before I broke. Do you remember any days when God just intervened so clearly and set you on his path? I'm thankful for March 5th, 2015. Something I thought I would never say. But with God, never say never. This day will mean nothing in the years to come but maybe a reminder that sin never has the final word.
2015 was messy. But it was the best year of my life. I experienced more pain, and more beauty than ever before in my life (in such a short time), and I got to see new parts of God to fall in love with through it all.
Don't get me wrong, God isn't good just because my life is better, and prayers got answered. He isn't good because now it is okay, but because he met me there, sobbing in my car, yelling at Him. He saw me as the rose in that moment, and loved me enough to walk through everything with me so that I could see the rose I am, too.
I hope this is an encouragement to anyone who feels like God doesn't see where you're at, or there is no way to bounce back. Seriously, yell at God if that's what you need, He can take it. Just anyway you can let Him in. His love for you is so genuine He will never force it on you, but accept it. It's there.
Also, don't hate any part of your story. God uses everything, especially, the most unexpected things to let you know your worth to Him.
“Some people grumble that roses have thorns; I am grateful that thorns have roses.”
― Alphonse Karr, A Tour Round My Garden
These two songs are so so quality and kind of explain God and me this past year, and maybe is what you need to hear :)
"Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you"
"The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God." -- Psalm 51:12,17
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