Walking in Doubt

I am a little hesitant to share this post, but I am for a number of reasons. Something is wrong with our culture that we cover all of our doubts and grief and don't really share what is happening. We think we are protecting ourselves, but I have only seen it hurt. So despite everything telling me sharing this is a terrible idea, I think I would rather break the pattern.

If you have been in a Christian community, or even know a Christian, it is a common phrase to say one is "walking in faith." Well, I am walking in doubt. By that I mean I am questioning literally everything. I have valid questions I don't think I have answered. This isn't a rebellion against God, or wasn't spurred on by a tragedy I blame God for, I just am curious.

I know I should be posting the next part of my South Africa experience, and there are many "godly" posts I would rather share, but I can't sit here and pretend I am somewhere I am not. I want to be honest and real, so here it is.

This isn't easy. I have based all of my life on my beliefs for the past 5 years, and now that foundation is beginning to crumble. My sister is most proud of the fact that she is a woman, she identifies most strongly with her gender. Others may feel most in touch with their sexuality, or their race. For me, my beliefs mean everything in all aspects of my life. Who I am, what I stand for, who I surround myself with has all been in consideration of the morals and values I choose because of my walk in faith.

So what now? Now, I do research. In a sense, God is on trial. How can I be sure Jesus is the only way to God? How can I be sure Christianity is the fullness of truth as it claims to be? Maybe from traveling to South Africa, and my recent interest in India, I just wonder how I can be sure that my beliefs are "right" while other religions I haven't been exposed to are "wrong." I told my siblings not too long ago that if I were to find out that my beliefs are false, that there is not God, not a way to heaven, would I regret following Christianity so intently? My answer was, and remains, a no. I told them that everything I have done as an act of faith has never led me astray. Sure, in the last 5 years I have made mistakes, big ones, but those were from my own decision making, apart from me seeking God or the bible for what is the right thing to do. As far a the bible has led me, I have always felt secure and at peace with the decisions I have made with the intent of following God. Not a single act in my walk has been a "make believe" love for God. I don't deny for a second I have experienced God's power, or him speak to me, or heal me in ways the physical world just cannot describe. Even in sharing where I am at, it seems weird to be here. This semester was probably one of the best times in my relationship with God. I found new ways to love him, and explore my faith, and found myself falling in love with parts of this God I had not experienced before. Absolutely a beautiful time in my life. So I cannot explain, and I don't owe an explanation, as to why I am here, doubting, and questioning what part a god, if any, will have in my life going forward.

I would appreciate some sensitivity in being open about this, because the only way I can explain my emotions the last few weeks of dealing with this is like going through a divorce. It feels as though the very core of me is split into two. I don't know what to trust or to believe, what or where to go if I do decide a life separate from God. I find myself feeling restless and unsure, wrestling with something that seems as important as knowing myself. I have little breakdowns most days, confused why this is happening and the weight of this doubt.

I confided in a few friends and my mentor. One has gone through her fair share of ups and downs with God, even this semester she turned to me to be a light in it, and now I needed the favor returned. She didn't try to convince me, but she listened to me cry on her couch for hours as I wrestled with this. We didn't leave the conversation like I knew where I stood any better, but I knew I wasn't wrong to doubt, and I didn't have to be isolated in doing it. I also confided in one of the smartest people I know, who listened to me without judgment and offered some wise defense of Christianity. I have been obsessively watching debates between different religions as well as atheists and Christians, in hopes of having some clarity. I find that all sides have something I can credit to them, but overall the christian debaters seemed the most conclusive and direct with their answers, and that doesn't go unnoticed.

I realized through watching debates that although science has answers, it does not have all the answers. It can't. Because regardless of objectivity, there is always subjectivity. Feelings. Emotions. Experiences. History plays a role, the facts of Jesus' life on earth. There are recorded phenomenon and "miracles" that just one area of study cannot explain. Let me also say I think it is absurd to think we will fully understand a god. That idea is what creates man-made gods. If we can fully understand god, we are putting him at our level, which is not at all what a god is. I don't need to know all of god, I just need to know enough to worship with with not just my heart, or my soul, or my spirit, or my mind, but with all 4.

I don't feel wrong for doubting, and if you are, or ever have, you shouldn't either. One of the friends I reached out to said, "Doubting is a gift, don't run from it." At first I was very confused, because it always appears to be the opposite of faith, but I think the opposite of faith, much like the opposite of love, is indifference. If you are indifferent toward god, that is truly the hard place to be. But I am seeking to know the truth. If God is who I have believed he is, he can handle being put on trial, and will prove to be true. I am open to conversation, but this is something I am doing completely sober minded, not caught up in emotion or hurt or anything like that. I don't need to be persuaded, I want to be convinced. This is something that will take time, and I am learning to accept that it is okay. I don't need to rush this doubt, and there is purpose in this time in my life, too.

I have read blogs from others who have left Christianity, some with valid arguments, but the majority seemed to have fallen away because of anger at the church or being unimpressed with how Christians act. That isn't what this is. If your faith is based on another person, or the church, and if you are hurt by broken individuals, or institutions, that isn't God's fault. You don't walk away from god because the people around you let you down. You walk away from god when he has let you down. And he hasn't.

I want to be open on my blog about what a teen walking with Jesus really looks like. Throughout high school, I was always strong for the people who were falling away. They could confide in me, and trust that I would be steadfast. And in a way, I envied that I hadn't had a chance to consider a life outside of God. Not that should be something I want, but I did pride myself on being steadfast, and maybe I need a piece of humble pie and see that even those "strong in their faith" fall away, too.

I want so bad for God to be true, but I don't want to trust my experiences anymore. I want to know factual proof, and know that what I am believing is not in vain. I believe a god who wants to connect with us could provide the answers necessary for us to worship him, and I hope that he does. In the chance that I find god isn't real, isn't what I devote myself to, that may be the hardest thing I face. A life without god seems awfully scary and not nearly as free, but I need truth more than I need to believe what I want to be true. Thank you for reading, and letting me share this here, I hope without much condemnation for it. I'd be happy to discuss any "concerns", and will keep anyone who reads these posts up to date with where walking in doubt takes me.

Those I have told have responded that they are excited for me, and I couldn't ask for a more loving and understanding response. I am very fortunate to have such grounded Christians who truly represent Christ's love around me. How fortunate am I, that I get to feel broken and unsure of myself, and still be surrounded by so many who want the best for me, and are willing to help me find truth? I hope everyone who is doubting finds a similar community to support them, no matter the outcome.