Making a Moral Sinner

What an interesting year I have found myself in! Just 6 months ago I was completely enamored with a relationship with God, followed by questioning his existence and denouncing my faith, to humbly and pitifully at His feet again. I would choose where I am now over anywhere else I have ever been. Here's why.

I was hoping when I openly admitted my doubt far outweighed my faith, that I would have some crazy experience that would bring me back to a radical faith and I would just be on fire. That is far from where I am.

Through months of research, resistance, tears and confusion, I can say with assurance that Jesus is who He says He is. He is Lord, not a lunatic or a liar. He is insane and mysterious and I will never put him in a box that will satisfy all of my questions. He is not who I want him to be. He is not a moral instructor and a really cool guy, he really is a Savior I need. I wish I didn't need a Savior, I wish He didn't have to die in my place, but He did. Whether I want Him to be true or not, He just is. I can give you facts, I can tell you why I am sure of this, but in reality, behind all intellectual doubt is a hard heart that doesn't want Jesus. Emotional resistance will remain even if every fact of Jesus' life is laid before you. And I get it. The Good News can seem Bad, it means pride has to die, it means we don't get a throne...I think that's why I ran from it. I knew I couldn't live how I wanted if I claimed he was Lord. So I stopped claiming he was. And it didn't make things better. At all. But acknowledging him as Lord doesn't make my life happy and perfect again. I know that despite how I feel about Him, despite whether I believe in Jesus and his plan or not, He is who He says He is. I cannot run from it. And much like C.S Lewis, I find myself a reluctant believer.

I know I will never understand the full purpose of going through such a heavy doubting period, but I do know this. It has humbled me, broke my pride, and showed me that my real god has been morality for far too long.

My friend shared a devotional with me that I’d like to share with you. It says, “Each time God calls a servant into action, He essentially says, 'You can be strong and courageous because I am with you. Victory isn’t about your abilities, your strength, your skill, your armor, your gifts, or your dedication. It has to do with My presence. You can be strong, because I will be strong in you.'"

 I have approached my walk with God as if the more I abide in Him, the more I know Scripture, and the more I love in His name, the stronger I will be. But the truth is that no matter how dedicated I am, I will always be weak. Just like the disease of sin never leaves us and the desire for sin is with believers and nonbelievers alike, so it is with our weakness. They are essentially synonymous. It has never been and will never be about strengthening oneself, but submitting your weakness (that will not go away) in order for Christ to be strong for you. Becoming Christ-like is not about being moral enough, or resisting sin enough. Becoming Christ-like is having Christ, as He is, be evident in you. In the gospel of John when he says Jesus "must become greater, I must become less" (3:30), this does not translate to more of me like Him. By nature, I will never be Jesus. That is where the trap of morality and righteousness has pulled me away from God. Morality and righteousness are then the fruit or the product of Christ flourishing in you, not changing what you do for His approval. He has chosen to approve of you before you thought about your deeds being righteous or lacking thereof, Jesus’ work in my life is not then illegitimate (as I have thought many times in the last few months) or hindered by my search for morality when I was supposed to be seeking Him. On the contrary, His work in my life is not reliant on anything I do. However, by giving him a recognition of what he has done for me, I can now choose to worship him solely as my Lord, not the Co-Lord of my life with me. It is no longer him who informs me of morality and I am now moral, it is my lack of morality and my excess of sin I see, in which He says He alone can make clean.

If it was up to me, I wouldn't be sitting here writing that I am weak, I have nothing to offer, and I have no choice but to believe Christ has done it all for me. But that is the Truth. His sacrifice is not to make me a better person, but a more broken and needy follower of Him. He loves me on his own accord.

I have said this and heard of Christ being my strength for years now, but only now has my futile mind come to recognize the severity of my condition, the need for such a strength I cannot produce in myself despite how rigidly I follow a Moral Law. I find strength in submitting to a Christ who has done it all, who embodies everything I cannot be but desperately need.

I am not ashamed of the gospel, for even though it exposes my weakness, my lack of ability, and publicly humbles me, I know Jesus is who He says He is, and that is enough for me.