"Are You Okay?"

"Are You Okay?" and "How Are You Doing?" Are questions I've been asked frequently while I've been here. More recently because an obvious rash is spreading all over me (thought to be an allergic reaction). But whether it is for physical reasons, a misread facial expression, or someone just caring for my soul, I realize I shouldn't take those questions for granted. I am grateful so many wish to know how I am holding up, especially when I'm experiencing so much change.

I realize that most of the time, I don't answer honestly. Before the whole question comes out, I hear myself saying, "yeah!" with as much enthusiasm as I can muster in that moment. However reflecting on it, yesterday specifically when I wasn't having a good day, I stopped and asked why I do that. It's so silly. I'm trying to fool someone else, and worse, lying to myself.

Two lovely ladies here told me, "if you didn't break down while you're here (in Arizona) something would be wrong. We expect you to." and I knew they would be prepared to handle the weight of whatever was burdening me...but I didn't and still don't know if I can.

I realized after the third or fourth person asked me yesterday morning how I was doing, I could barely say, "okay." and that is my answer. If you can't even say you're okay without wanting to cry, you're not doing okay... and as cliche as it may sound; it is okay not to be okay.

I'm learning God's love for me more every day, and the love around me and realizing no one (even the most perfect and powerful person in the universe) is expecting me to have it together all the time. and that is so freeing.

Have you ever felt trapped, but no reason why? That's how I've been feeling. I have been cared for so well here, and nothing negative has really happened to me, but I don't feel free to be me all the time. The only limitation is the expectation I have put on myself. It doesn't matter how great, or terrible your circumstances are, if you cannot voice what you are feeling at any moment, you are trapped.

I didn't come to Arizona running from anything. I was in a period of grief when I left home, and had some idea that would follow me here, but God is showing me more than just grieving, it's experiencing things I wanted to forget were ever there. From childhood and any hurt I'm carrying since that is stopping me from experiencing the freeing and fulfilling love He (and his church) has to offer. He cares enough to not leave me in the pain, and wants to walk through it with me. Pastor Ben and I had a short talk about grief. He was sharing the wisdom I haven't really thought about before. He mentioned that we focus a lot on grieving behind closed doors instead of together. Isn't that what the church is for? Jesus came for sick, not the upright. So why are we trying to be upright? I need Jesus more than I did when I first accepted Him into my life, because His perfectness reveals my weakness. He needs to be my strength, but I need to see and embrace my weakness. I think we all do.

So, if you have people checking up on how your day is going, care enough back to give them an honest answer. Take time to answer. Think about where you're at today, and accept yourself as loved by the one who created you on your best AND worst days. All the same. And think of who you can check up on. Everyone is allowed bad days, but no one should be allowed to face them alone.

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." - 2 Corinthians 12:9