How to Doubt in 5 Simple Steps

Here is a quick summary of what the doubting process has taught me:

1) When doing research, especially on religion, check the sources. Make sure you know the point of view, potential bias, and the context of anything they may reference. For example, if an article quotes a religious text, figure out what surrounds it. Anything can be manipulated to support someone's argument, and as a result distort truth.

2) Talk to people about doubt. Most of the people I've included in this journey with me have had similar questions and experiences with doubt. There's so much to learn from the people around you, how they think through those questions that give you a headache, and how they come to the other side of it, either choosing to believe in God or not.

3) Be patient with it. This isn't something that can be "handled" overnight. Doubt takes time. It's not a waste of time. And as unsatisfying as it is to not have all the answers, I've learned a lot about myself and the concept of faith by not being sure all the time. 

4) I am not entitled to any answers. Just because I want to know doesn't mean I get to. No God is required to answer my questions, and I don't deserve explanations. Humility when facing the concept of a deity is extremely important to the process. Most of the time, expecting answers or trying to have power or control over the results of a god is the very thing separating you from it. Sometimes surrendering what you have to open your mind to discover what you don't have is all that we can do.

5) Don't discredit your subjectivity. Being objective about God only goes so far. You can find any arguments to support what you want to believe. What do you want to believe? And why? What's your hesitation? Allow questions like that to surface. I have learned who I am, and where and why I feel vulnerable. For example, relationships scare me. So what? They scare everyone, because it requires some kind of vulnerability. Community around the topic of God has always been stressed to me as important, but it is what I am most willing to avoid. So, I am avoiding vulnerability with not only community, but this God idea/person. I mentioned in my last post the questions often become answers themselves. Be okay with that.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how to doubt!

Reasonable Faith in Faith

If you have been reading my blog, you'll know that my previous post was about doubting my faith, the very thing I have founded my identity on. I am still uncomfortably doubting and unraveling one question just to find more questions attached, like a chain of question marks hooked together. I have, however, come along way since that post and feel as though I have gathered enough thoughts to share. This post is definitely more sporadic than all my other posts, so sorry for the terrible transitions (I've been out of school too long).

**I know my blog ends up being long despite my efforts to shorten it, so at the bottom are quotes I think sum up my recent discoveries, and the sources with them, if you want to skip the details. but I think the whole read is worth it**

Such a broad conversation is difficult to narrow and concise on a blog, but the topic of this post is why I have concluded that faith can be reasonable, it is not an absence of intelligence, and the likelihood that there is an absolute truth. Let's dive right in!

Tim Keller's "The Reason for God: Belief in an Age of Skepticism" was gifted to me earlier this semester. Who knew it would come in handy for my own personal beliefs just a few months later. I have been finding his arguments in this book quite impressive. A quote worth sharing:

"All doubts, however skeptical and cynical they may seem, are really a set of alternative beliefs. You cannot doubt Belief A except from a position of faith in Belief B." --

Even if you don't support a belief in god, you do support a nonbelief in god, or the belief that there is no god. Because you don't believe in god you argue that religion is exclusive, but would you include a theist (believer in god) in your atheist community and practices? Of course not, because they don't believe what you believe. All communities by nature are exclusive, religious or not, because by definition they gather for specific ideas or purposes they agree with.We all stand by truth claims, just some of them aren't true. 

I cannot say with certainty what I know is true, but I can say there is truth, and I believe our perception often clouds our understanding of it. The best way I can explain it is this; You could perceive that the sun didn't rise today because there are clouds blocking it. The truth is that the sun did rise, but you could not see it from your perspective. Just because you don't believe the sun rose, does not mean it didn't. In order to know the sun rose, you would have to know from a different perspective than your own. We all often perceive incorrectly as well as have ill understandings of truth. That doesn't mean truth itself doesn't exist. And if it does, I think its worth seeking out. Because whether you acknowledge your beliefs or not, you do hold some kind of view of the world by which you operate in the world by. Since you operate by said beliefs, I believe it is important to know what they are, don't you?

Many arguments, I have found, negate themselves. My favorite example is, "there is no absolute truth." in which one could (and should) reply: "Is that absolutely true?"  -- oftentimes finding answers is a matter of listening a little more closely and carefully to hear things we trust may not even support themselves. Arguments about relative truth have the same backfire approach on themselves - I can go into detail another time about this.

I previously viewed skepticism as ignorance, but from finding myself quite skeptical, I can say it can be positive, if it is pursued. In fact, religious communities need skeptics, someone who is willing to halt blind following and challenge the crowd. Skepticism can be a gift. Sometimes you need to walk in shoes you never thought you'd find yourself in to have a humility you didn't think you needed. And boy, do I need it. Doubts are 100% reasonable and understandable, but I believe the same could be said about faith. We practice faith every day. We have faith there will be more time for us on earth when we say, "see you later," or when we sit in a chair we expect to support our weight.

As skeptical, as scientific, and as proof driven as we are, we live very differently from day to day. We are controlled by things that cannot be seen, like air and oxygen, feelings like anger or happiness or love, and yet the biggest argument against God is that we cannot know because we haven't seen. "Seeing is believing," but how many things do you put your trust in that you have never seen? I mentioned that questions keep coming up, but in some ways, they become the answers in themselves.

As the average kid just wanting answers to those questions, how do I search such a big topic? Well, Google of course. I typed "Proof of god"  into the search bar. The first link was to everystudent.com in an article "Does God Exist." Thanks Google, for reading my mind.

a few quotes from this formally atheist author really grabbed my attention:  

"I have come to find out that God wants to be known."

"he keeps the question of his existence squarely before us." -- I can attest to that. In fact, I was writing a paper for school a few weeks ago and in the middle of it I typed "I wish this god idea would leave my head and never come back"  

Don't worry, I erased it before submitting the paper. I don't want my teacher to know I'm crazy! But the point being, as much as I want to be apathetic or not think about god, it will not go away. An atheist friend of mine recently told me, much to my surprise, "There is no way to deny design, but I don't think we should worry about it."

If we shouldn't worry about it, why do we try to deny it in the first place? Why should we want to deny (intellectual) design? Because it would complicate things? His sentence reminded me of bible verses I used to recite in Romans 1 that say, "for what can be known about God is plain to them, because God has shown it to them. For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived ever since the beginning of the world in the things that have been made so that they are without excuse."  Even in my resistance, this is just so true. It's frankly impossible not to ask or think of a god because of what we see around us. This viewpoint is actually supported by science. 

I recently became aware of a whole field called "neurotheology" which studies the link between brain activity and spirituality. Long story short, research supports that believing in God and having a deep spiritual need is rooted in our biology and genetics. There are so many physical, mental, and emotional benefits that occur with spirituality. It's really amazing! I attached the article link at the bottom as well.

Which brings me to my next realization. I watched a movie on Netflix, "A Matter of Faith" where this great line comes up; "if man had it his way, there would be no god." 

Which I completely agree with. No one wants to be morally responsible or deny what he wants for a God, even if it is a loving God. That is the battle between gods plan vs your own. By nature, we want to be in control and have power, that is what survival teaches, doesn't it? No one naturally wants to submit to a higher power, they themselves want to be the highest power. So I have a hard time accepting that a god is a made up concept because since the beginning of time people have incorporated worship into their culture, which seems contrary to the desire to be our own boss.

Finding answers isn't hard. It takes patience, willingness, and openness. Facing the convictions and answers you weren't ready for is the hard part. As objective as you want to be, the "issue" of god is quite personal, and I find that aspect of my research the area I am most willing to avoid!

** Quotes **

From the everystudent.com article (emphasis added), "God does not force us to believe in him, though he could. Instead, he has provided sufficient proof of his existence for us to willingly respond to him. The earth's perfect distance from the sun, the unique chemical properties of water, the human brain, DNA, the number of people who attest to knowing God, the gnawing in our hearts and minds to determine if God is there"

"It is impossible for us to know conclusively whether God exists and what he is like unless he takes the initiative and reveals himself."

"children left to their own devices would have some conception of God"

“The heart will not accept what the mind rejects.” - Jonathon Edwards 

"Think about it. If you approach your studies simply seeking to confirm what you already believe, you are not studying at all."

"ultimately my faith is dependent on God’s faithfulness rather than my cleverness."

"The shame is not that people have doubts, but that they are ashamed of them."

"One who has never doubted has never fully believed." 

http://www.everystudent.com/features/isthere.html

http://www.everystudent.com/features/faith.html

http://onenewsnow.com/science-tech/2016/02/21/research-brain-recognizes-reality-of-god

http://www.reclaimingthemind.org/blog/2010/05/dealing-with-doubt-part-4-intellectual-doubt/

Walking in Doubt

I am a little hesitant to share this post, but I am for a number of reasons. Something is wrong with our culture that we cover all of our doubts and grief and don't really share what is happening. We think we are protecting ourselves, but I have only seen it hurt. So despite everything telling me sharing this is a terrible idea, I think I would rather break the pattern.

If you have been in a Christian community, or even know a Christian, it is a common phrase to say one is "walking in faith." Well, I am walking in doubt. By that I mean I am questioning literally everything. I have valid questions I don't think I have answered. This isn't a rebellion against God, or wasn't spurred on by a tragedy I blame God for, I just am curious.

I know I should be posting the next part of my South Africa experience, and there are many "godly" posts I would rather share, but I can't sit here and pretend I am somewhere I am not. I want to be honest and real, so here it is.

This isn't easy. I have based all of my life on my beliefs for the past 5 years, and now that foundation is beginning to crumble. My sister is most proud of the fact that she is a woman, she identifies most strongly with her gender. Others may feel most in touch with their sexuality, or their race. For me, my beliefs mean everything in all aspects of my life. Who I am, what I stand for, who I surround myself with has all been in consideration of the morals and values I choose because of my walk in faith.

So what now? Now, I do research. In a sense, God is on trial. How can I be sure Jesus is the only way to God? How can I be sure Christianity is the fullness of truth as it claims to be? Maybe from traveling to South Africa, and my recent interest in India, I just wonder how I can be sure that my beliefs are "right" while other religions I haven't been exposed to are "wrong." I told my siblings not too long ago that if I were to find out that my beliefs are false, that there is not God, not a way to heaven, would I regret following Christianity so intently? My answer was, and remains, a no. I told them that everything I have done as an act of faith has never led me astray. Sure, in the last 5 years I have made mistakes, big ones, but those were from my own decision making, apart from me seeking God or the bible for what is the right thing to do. As far a the bible has led me, I have always felt secure and at peace with the decisions I have made with the intent of following God. Not a single act in my walk has been a "make believe" love for God. I don't deny for a second I have experienced God's power, or him speak to me, or heal me in ways the physical world just cannot describe. Even in sharing where I am at, it seems weird to be here. This semester was probably one of the best times in my relationship with God. I found new ways to love him, and explore my faith, and found myself falling in love with parts of this God I had not experienced before. Absolutely a beautiful time in my life. So I cannot explain, and I don't owe an explanation, as to why I am here, doubting, and questioning what part a god, if any, will have in my life going forward.

I would appreciate some sensitivity in being open about this, because the only way I can explain my emotions the last few weeks of dealing with this is like going through a divorce. It feels as though the very core of me is split into two. I don't know what to trust or to believe, what or where to go if I do decide a life separate from God. I find myself feeling restless and unsure, wrestling with something that seems as important as knowing myself. I have little breakdowns most days, confused why this is happening and the weight of this doubt.

I confided in a few friends and my mentor. One has gone through her fair share of ups and downs with God, even this semester she turned to me to be a light in it, and now I needed the favor returned. She didn't try to convince me, but she listened to me cry on her couch for hours as I wrestled with this. We didn't leave the conversation like I knew where I stood any better, but I knew I wasn't wrong to doubt, and I didn't have to be isolated in doing it. I also confided in one of the smartest people I know, who listened to me without judgment and offered some wise defense of Christianity. I have been obsessively watching debates between different religions as well as atheists and Christians, in hopes of having some clarity. I find that all sides have something I can credit to them, but overall the christian debaters seemed the most conclusive and direct with their answers, and that doesn't go unnoticed.

I realized through watching debates that although science has answers, it does not have all the answers. It can't. Because regardless of objectivity, there is always subjectivity. Feelings. Emotions. Experiences. History plays a role, the facts of Jesus' life on earth. There are recorded phenomenon and "miracles" that just one area of study cannot explain. Let me also say I think it is absurd to think we will fully understand a god. That idea is what creates man-made gods. If we can fully understand god, we are putting him at our level, which is not at all what a god is. I don't need to know all of god, I just need to know enough to worship with with not just my heart, or my soul, or my spirit, or my mind, but with all 4.

I don't feel wrong for doubting, and if you are, or ever have, you shouldn't either. One of the friends I reached out to said, "Doubting is a gift, don't run from it." At first I was very confused, because it always appears to be the opposite of faith, but I think the opposite of faith, much like the opposite of love, is indifference. If you are indifferent toward god, that is truly the hard place to be. But I am seeking to know the truth. If God is who I have believed he is, he can handle being put on trial, and will prove to be true. I am open to conversation, but this is something I am doing completely sober minded, not caught up in emotion or hurt or anything like that. I don't need to be persuaded, I want to be convinced. This is something that will take time, and I am learning to accept that it is okay. I don't need to rush this doubt, and there is purpose in this time in my life, too.

I have read blogs from others who have left Christianity, some with valid arguments, but the majority seemed to have fallen away because of anger at the church or being unimpressed with how Christians act. That isn't what this is. If your faith is based on another person, or the church, and if you are hurt by broken individuals, or institutions, that isn't God's fault. You don't walk away from god because the people around you let you down. You walk away from god when he has let you down. And he hasn't.

I want to be open on my blog about what a teen walking with Jesus really looks like. Throughout high school, I was always strong for the people who were falling away. They could confide in me, and trust that I would be steadfast. And in a way, I envied that I hadn't had a chance to consider a life outside of God. Not that should be something I want, but I did pride myself on being steadfast, and maybe I need a piece of humble pie and see that even those "strong in their faith" fall away, too.

I want so bad for God to be true, but I don't want to trust my experiences anymore. I want to know factual proof, and know that what I am believing is not in vain. I believe a god who wants to connect with us could provide the answers necessary for us to worship him, and I hope that he does. In the chance that I find god isn't real, isn't what I devote myself to, that may be the hardest thing I face. A life without god seems awfully scary and not nearly as free, but I need truth more than I need to believe what I want to be true. Thank you for reading, and letting me share this here, I hope without much condemnation for it. I'd be happy to discuss any "concerns", and will keep anyone who reads these posts up to date with where walking in doubt takes me.

Those I have told have responded that they are excited for me, and I couldn't ask for a more loving and understanding response. I am very fortunate to have such grounded Christians who truly represent Christ's love around me. How fortunate am I, that I get to feel broken and unsure of myself, and still be surrounded by so many who want the best for me, and are willing to help me find truth? I hope everyone who is doubting finds a similar community to support them, no matter the outcome.

How Do You Sum Up South Africa? (Part 1)

I just got back from 12 days in KwaZulu Natal region of South Africa. On the 25 hour journey it took me to get home, I had some time to think about how I wanted to share my trip. The first question that came to mind was, "how do you sum up South Africa?" I experienced a great deal in such a short time, and any explanation cannot compare to what I was apart of. But I will try my best. This will have to be in a series of posts, because only one will not do it justice. The focus of this post will be what I got to do every day.

Working with embercast (shout out Tony Sheng) has taught me a handful of things, one of them being to write down your mission trip experience 3 ways; a 20 minute, a 2 minute, and a 20 second description. This post will be my 2 minute summation of South Africa.

First off, I want to say a huge thank you to everyone who supported my trip, whether it be financially or with prayers, all of the contributions allowed for this life changing trip to take place.

My definition of the abstract concept of "beautiful" has changed in two weeks.

Our team of 18, most of which were strangers to me, started the trip visiting Door of Hope, where I originally thought we would spend our whole week. We saw a ministry devoted to saving children abandoned on the street. The mothers can leave their newborn in a metal box, resembling a portable tool box, and someone inside is notified there is a baby that has been delivered. The child is then nursed back to life, and once they are healthy enough, they are put in the system for adoption. These kids were breathtaking. It was one of the greatest joys in my life to play with these healthy kids that were left to die on the streets. God has a good plan for each and every one of them. They came from such terrible circumstances, but they are going to be adopted. I cannot think of a better representation of Christ's love for us, pulling us out of the mess we were in, and adopting us into an eternal family.

After our short visit we drove to Winterton, where the majority of our trip was spent. Our team of 18 was split between two communities to help a missionary named Sofi at her center called Isibani in an urban setting, and to help Betsy in her ministry called Thembulethu in a more rural community. 

The first half of my week was spent at Thembuletu, a ministry in Loskop that translates to "Our Hope," a name the community gave Betsy. The mission work was very relational. We went on home visits and showed love to people in really tough situations. The first day was my favorite! I got to shadow Spo, the social worker, who was checking in on clients. I am pursuing a degree in social work so the opportunity to be on the field with her, the only day of the week she was there, was truly a godsend. The common theme of the visits involved concerns about HIV. It was either a family member not willing to tell the infected person they were sick, or an ill person rejecting medication. Community is so strong that they rather be accepted in the community than address a health risk. Similar to the stigma on mental illness in the United States, HIV is something that no one wants to admit to or talk about, even though it is fairly common.
I was so moved by how Spo used her work as her mission. She would repeatedly tell her patients that she cares for them because God cares for them, and that even though she may not have all the answers, she can trust God does, and hopes that they would trust God, too. I thought I wanted to be a social worker, but now I know for sure that I do. After such an intense and emotional day, Spo was so full of grace and love, and I pray I can be half the social worker she is.

The next day we went on home visits with a nurse, and heard many praise stories of people being healed or getting access to modern medicine because of Thembuletu's ministry. I don't think I got half way through the day without tearing up. As I observed this rural community, I was overwhelmingly aware of the fact that the working class was nowhere to be found. Grandmothers, or gogos, were watching over grandchildren while the parents were working in the cities far away not sending any financial support back, or they just disappeared. The majority of the community can't work, which inevitably creates a cycle of poverty.

If you didn't see their homes, you would never guess they were poor. Their spirits were more full and lively than I have seen in a long time. They are aware they have little; they're not oblivious of what's available in the cities and what wealthier people have, but I can honestly say they aren't seeking those fleeting things. The mindset of entitlement is nowhere to be found, and for that, I truly envy their lifestyle. Not every meal is guaranteed, so each meal is received with true thanksgiving and joy.

Kids play, mostly with old glass bottles or worn out tires, but they play together and truly enjoy life. It was hard to feel sorry for them, when they were so content with their lives. I didn't leave pitying anyone as I originally anticipated. If anything I envied them for their satisfaction with simplicity. That's not to say they don't face difficulties. Many families bury family members in their yards who have died prematurely, and face their own diagnosis of life threatening illnesses, but that's not the first thing they would tell you. They would welcome you into their home, and share a smile and a hug and offer you anything they could, before you heard a single hardship they faced.

In Isibani we did more labor-intensive work. We painted a bunch of walls a nice teal color, because we had to leave our UNCW pride there, of course. After painting, we got to pray over the rooms that we painted for the children that are going to learn in there. I enjoyed this ministry because it wasn't like we got to see the impact of our work, but we gave it up to God hoping new rooms would be a blessing to the community. We also cleared up the yard of a couple that literally could not get out of their house. The wife recently had her leg amputated, and her husband had a stroke leaving him in a wheel chair and paralyzed on one side of his body. We were able to smooth out their driveway and clear their yard of all the trash. Their smiles afterwards were the best part.

We went to a church on Sunday which was also a huge highlight. The pastor, Musa, was in jail for selling drugs when God called him to plant a church in the ancestor worship community he grew up in. He was rejected by his family, and had a hard time planting, but knew what God had called him to. Every Saturday, he would go to a mountain top and pray for the community. There was a fire that spread through the town and up the mountain, burning everything except for the place Musa prayed in. Because of that, many came to Christ, and I got to worship with them, and share a little bit of what God has done in my life with them. Their worship and pure joy gives me chills just thinking about as I write this. I wish everyone could have seen them, they were the picture of freedom in Christ. Nothing would stop their worship, like seriously they sang and danced for a very long time, and it was so real. Not a script, not a moment that wasn't authentically praising God. This is where God's treasure is. In a little, cramped church in a rural community in the middle of nowhere South Africa. That is the church we need to model, because there is nothing to them but their love for Christ.

We finished the trip by just enjoying South Africa and God's creation there. We went on three safaris over two days, a night safari, a day time, and a boat safari. All of which were absolutely breathtaking and it was incredible to see the diversity and the beauty in everything.

The best part about the trip was really seeing Jesus more. His love for my team, the people we were serving, the beauty of a life following him. There was nothing physically beautiful about their way of life, or our labor, but the spiritual benefits were incomparable. I really understood biblical concepts more- like a day's journey, and selling cows for a wife (which almost happened to a girl on my team hahaha), or the lepers of society. Nothing was better than being with people who had HIV or TB and realizing their place in society. And there I got to be, sitting in their little houses, loving them and praying for them. I don't think I understood Jesus' ministry until I was in that moment. I have never seen the gospel more beautifully, in its purest sense, than worshiping and praying in English among others praying in Zulu. If that isn't heaven on earth, as the Lord's Prayer suggests, then I don't know what is.

Okay, I lied. Maybe this was more like my 20 minute summary, and there is more to come in future posts. If you have ever tried to explain God's characteristics to someone, you understand how incredibly limiting language can be. There never seems to be the right words to capture everything you see, and what I saw in South Africa is much like that. When I say beautiful, it means a million things now. Beauty is endless. It takes form in little faces with so much potential, and an incredible sunset with rich colors, and animals that are so majestic and graceful and scary and powerful all at the same time. And all of those things are beautiful. But I have seen beautiful things before, I just think after these two weeks I understand beauty. It's not something just to see and admire, but to be apart of. That sounds a bit hippy-ish, I know, but what I'm trying to say is all these things portray heaven on earth, and being apart of that heaven on earth is what its all about.
So you can actually see what I saw, here are some pictures!

Numb

Sometimes I get a word in my head and I can't get rid of it. Recently it's been the word numb. Initially I was going to write about how easy it is to become numb to the brokenness around us. The apathy that so naturally fills us because of how normal some things have become, sadly. But even more devastating is the fact that many of us are becoming apathetic to God by being numb to the Spirit.

How many of you go to church every week? How many of you stop and think about why you do that? How many of you read your bible every day, or every week? and what's the reason for that? When you open your bible, are you looking to find more of Jesus in it, or trying to get your moral lesson for the day that applies to your life?

I think we are becoming numb to our routine worship, so much so that it isn't even worship anymore. These people worship me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. - Matthew 15:8. 

What does having a heart near to God look like?

My answer would be getting excited for what God is doing around you, and being aware of what he is doing in you. My pastor said in a recent sermon "we are too easily satisfied." We settle for temptations in comparison to the satisfaction we could find in the Lord. But even when we do come to him, we read a chapter in the bible or listen to a worship song and we got our "fix" for the day. No!!! The bible tells us to never stop rejoicing, never stop praying, never stop giving thanks. The fact we have our God time and carry on the majority of the day without regard for him is insanity. It's seriously such a shame we don't get excited for what God is doing anymore. When someone walks into a church for the first time we hardly notice. Instead we could be celebrating like they are in heaven. We take praying lightly, hardly remembering we are having a conversation with the Creator of the whole universe, who knit you together in your mother's womb, who has given you his righteousness that you do not deserve, but that's what he was willing to do to be one with you again. And discipleship is just because "you're supposed to." No wonder we're numb to brokenness of the world around us, we're numb to the Creator who shows it to us.

I claim, like many of you, that my hope is in Jesus, but I honestly don't think about him coming back. My mind is rarely set on eternity, very occasionally on things above. That is where I go numb. I am frequently indifferent to the reality that he will come again, and that there is urgency in our existence.

So if in any way you have become numb to the Lord, going to bible study because that's what every Thursday is for; the sake of routine rather than seeking Jesus, going to church for the music and to look nice, or just forgetting him in the small things, the question to ask now is how to un-numb yourself. How do you get back to that early excitement, that urgency, or maybe discover it for the first time? The best place, the only place, to start is with God. Tell him what you want, and if it's in line with his will, it will be answered. This is the confidence we have in approaching God; that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us - 1 John 5:14. And let me tell you, it's his will for you to be more intimate with him. If you want all things to flow from him, you have to go to him, asking for that to happen. You can do nothing apart from God, even loving him is through him. Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water  - Hebrews 10:22.

Maybe mix up how you spend time with him, too. If you're in a relationship and your first date was at the movies, you don't only go to the movies the rest of your relationship. Hopefully you go out to eat, or explore new interests. Meet him in those new places; on a walk, in your room, in different worship music, in different service groups. Nothing is wrong with spicing up the relationship, especially if you will be more intimate with him as a result. Maybe you need to see God somewhere you haven't seen him before; let him out of the box he is so often put in. He isn't just there whenever you decide to dust off your bible, or when you enter a church building. Believe it or not, the all-knowing, sovereign Father is indeed everywhere. Find him there!

"If you seek me wholeheartedly, you will find me." - Jeremiah 29:13 

Where the Church Went Wrong

I was reading through Luke, and read Jesus' arrest differently. Right as Judas was about to betray Jesus with that legendary kiss, the disciples caught on to what was happening. The scene is in the garden, and soldiers are approaching Jesus and his disciples to take Jesus to the cross.
"When Jesus' followers saw what was going to happen {Jesus being betrayed}, they said, 'Lord, should we strike them with our swords?' And one of them struck the servant of the high priest, cutting off his right ear. But Jesus answered, 'No more of this!' And he touched the man's ear and healed him." - Luke 22:49-51

I remember when I was a senior in high school, I had this history teacher who wanted to make it very clear the church was at fault for a lot of historical events that could have been avoided. He loved talking about the Crusades and Christian bombers, and even the every day 'judgmental' and 'hypocritical' Christians everyone likes to point their finger at. It got me thinking, where did we go wrong? How did the church become the problem, rather than the solution? It's okay if people hate the church because of Jesus, it is not okay to hate Jesus because of the church. (John 15:18-25). We don't need everyone to like us. In fact, the Bible tells us that won't happen. What we do need is to be pointing others to Jesus. That is the very purpose of the church body.

The church has gone wrong with a rebellious heart, even behind good intent. The passage I put above is how I have seen Christian's react when they see people sinning, or using the Lord's name in vain. As Christ's body, we see something does not honor God, like Jesus being betrayed (good intent), so we act rashly, like cutting someone's ear off (poor follow through). We intervene, telling that awful sinner "No!" We want them to know the truth, the weight of their actions, but we forget that they aren't held to the same standard if they are not in Christ. We as Christians, cannot tell "outsiders" how they should behave (1 Corinthians 5:12-13). Christians, you have a good intention, don't get rid of that! But change your approach.

The interesting thing about this passage is the disciples asked Jesus what they should do, but before they listened to the Holy Spirit, the answer from Jesus, they went ahead and chopped a guy's ear off. The injured man didn't feel love in that moment, and he didn't understand truth better. He concluded that these people were up to no good. He, the servant of the high priest who in this scenario represents the non-church goer, rightfully interpreted that he was hated and unwanted because he opposed them. I love what Jesus does, though. Jesus says, "Stop it! I don't want anymore of this judgmental anger. You, the church, love and get personal with the people that oppose you." And he just puts the ear back on! Like sorry my people messed up, but you actually are loved. Humility.

So maybe the problem is we don't wait to hear from the Lord. The disciples asked the right question, "what should we do about this guy's disobedience?" but instead of waiting for Jesus to answer, they took matters into their own hands. They let their passion, although coming from a good place, take the place of truth, and grace, which are the two qualities Jesus fully expressed at all times.

The church didn't get its bad rep because people outside of the church didn't like it. The church got its bad rep because the people inside the church spent more time rebuking, correcting, and teaching people outside of the church than they did being rebuked, corrected, and taught by the Lord. Let's change that. Although the Lord has always seen the church as holy, (because his love is based on Jesus not on us), it is time for the world to see us that way, too, whether they like it or not. We, as the body, need to acknowledge where we have stepped out of line, especially to nonbelievers, and express the same humility Jesus did, putting the ear back on the man who he knew would arrest him anyways.

"Therefore, be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, and offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma." -Ephesians 5:1-2

Answered Prayers

I've been wanting to blog the last few days, but I have honestly been speechless. I still am, but I can't take it anymore.

God is doing amazing things, and I just have to tell you about it!

I go to a secular, public university, but from my point of view the last few weeks, you could hardly tell. I'm not saying there isn't brokenness, not at all. What I am saying is that God's presence is so evident. This whole semester has been a journey of seeing God more, everywhere. But at this point, I don't even have to go looking, he is showing himself in places I was beginning to lose hope.

A few weeks ago, I started praying. I don't mean "watch over me as I sleep" prayers, but like real burdens. The real, "I don't even think you'll do anything God, but would you just listen to what's bothering me?" prayers. I have been complaining to God every day since, nagging on him to listen to my little worries, and my big ones. And he has been unbelievably faithful to fulfill every request, and more. (And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us. And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we will have the requests that we have asked of him. -1 John 5:14-15). I want to praise Jesus for meeting me there, but please note that whether God answers our prayers or not, he is still good, and still praiseworthy. Don't do yourself a disservice by having a shallow relationship with God, only thanking him when things are good, and avoiding him when they are not. He is the same, beautiful, majestic, glorious Father whether we recognize our blessings or not.

Anyways, my prayers were heard. The prayers he put on my heart, he has carried out. I'm pretty far into the semester now and I had the rude awakening right before spring break, that there is no more room for excuses. I can't say I'm not sharing the gospel because I am still adjusting, that I don't feel the call, that I'm too busy. God knows me too well to even entertain those excuses. I was out of excuses, but the miraculous thing was, I didn't want to have anymore excuses. I didn't, and don't want to resist anymore. Before I even started seeking a change, God was transforming my stubborn, pitiful heart into a willing, and hungry heart. But then what?

I haven't been bold in my faith, in terms of talking to strangers, sharing the gospel, in far too long. I felt rusty. Not an excuse, but another cry for help. "Okay God, we both want me to go, would you bring people alongside of me, with the same desires?" A day goes by. My roommate comes running in our room, all excited that a young man had asked to pray over her and engage in a spiritual conversation. She politely declined him, but we went on to have an hour conversation of the gospel she grew up hearing. Man, my conviction grew. People on campus are doing the stuff and I am beyond encouraged. When can I go?

The next day I'm sitting outside in beautiful weather and two older gentlemen come over and ask if we could have a spiritual conversation. "Heck yes, take a seat!" and the two sit before me. They tell me they are from Ohio, helping a new church plant on campus, and that their group have seen 7 people decide to put their faith in Jesus in that week alone. It was Tuesday when they stopped me. I told them I'm really eager but feel unprepared, and they offered that I shadow them the next day. Great! I had my people to teach me, but what happens after they leave? "God, would you please give me people who are on campus, who will join me?" Wednesday morning, a man at breakfast asked me what was on my mind. I had recognized him from one of the ministries I participate in on campus. Funny he should ask, as I was just talking to my mentor about how I wish the same ministry I am apart of with this guy would do more for the campus. Long story, but he has the same heart I do, wanting to go.

I went with the Ohio guys and invited my friend on campus. We separated from them and my two friends joined me in some conversations. It felt like I never stopped after just a few times. The guy I met at breakfast invited me to an event the following Saturday to join a group that are already involved on campus and in the community with the same stuff I'm interested in. We both go, and we both left amazed. I was expecting it to be all students, but of the 15 or so that were there, I think there were 5 students total. There were three staff members from our school, and nearby neighbors..every walk of life. All coming together to encourage each other and the ministry at hand. I got up at one point just too excited to sit still! God was and is doing something huge.

My other friend involved in a different ministry has been going on prayer walks like every day. I see Christian organizations rising up and waking up to the calling we've all fallen asleep to. Whether its be writing verses on the sidewalk, or meeting faithfully every week, or uttering Jesus name, He is being glorified more on this campus than I could have prayed to see in 4 more years at this university. There is change happening, and I am beyond elated that I'm not the only one who won't stop until we see it.

All of this to say, many peoples prayers are being answered, but on so many more levels than I can describe here.

So to end this long post (I didn't even include everything!), whether you are paying attention to how God is moving in your life and around you or not, he is. But man, you are missing out on some indescribable excitement if you don't tune in. I can honestly say my heart feels like it is going to explode every day from the life I have found in Jesus, and I pray the same for you.

"For you, O LORD, have made me glad with what you have done, I will sing for joy at the works of your hands." - Psalm 92:4
"Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think." - Ephesians 3:20