Meaninglessness

This past week I was fortunate enough to start my college career at University of North Carolina- Wilmington. I love it so much and it's been everything I have wanted it to be. The downside is that I've been having a hard time getting in a consistent quiet time. I've been slacking on seeking the Lord for what my college years will be about, what purpose he may be preparing me for in this season, and although there is no good excuse to skipping out on my precious relationship with him, my reason is that I am overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed with who am I and how am I supposed to decide my future career and why am I joining the surf club and a criminology club and am I who I was in high school, how do I become something new, better? All these things are floating around in my head, and I know they only have answers in Jesus, because he's the basis of my life, right? At least I thought.

In a freshman seminar every first year student has to take, I was asked what I want to get out of life. My first instinct wasn't to know Jesus more... and man was I convicted. I first thought travel...but then what's the point of seeing the world, and not praising the one who made it? and eventually, I would run out of places to go...so upfront I know that isn't fulfilling...its a good distraction, looking like it has intent when it really is focusing on the things of this world rather than things above. (Not that traveling is bad!!)  I was more impacted by my classmates responses. The majority of them said that out of life they want to get "success" and "happiness." I was really sad for them. Not that those aren't great things, but that's what they want to look back and say they obtained. Happiness, Success. As I was reading their answers and my own on the board in front of me, I just kept thinking Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. There's a great chapter in Ecclesiastes about how everything in this world is meaningless, and in that moment that rang truer than ever before. I just realized then that all these pursuits for happiness, for success, for adventure, for a college degree, and anything else is all so meaningless when there is no God involved.

That is why I am reminded constantly I want people to know Jesus. It's like being able to have a thanksgiving feast every day with him, and choosing to dig for scraps of success and half-eaten happiness out of the dumpster you travel to. In this eagerness I have to tell people about Jesus, I hear him telling me to yield to him. I'm like what? Dude I've been waiting to get out there and talk about him. But after attending a church on Sunday and an awesome college ministry called overflow on Tuesday, I got the pretty clear message my heart isn't ready. I am not seeking him in my own life, who am I to tell others to? I'm all about walking the talk... Not that I have to pray every day and read my bible to have Jesus, but if those aren't a priority in my life, I have to be real and say that he hasn't been either. I am not spending time at his feet, and after a few years of this I've realized that even talking about him can come from a selfish ambition. Talking about him for my own fulfillment rather than his glory, is meaningless too. This is kinda where I am thankful for the gift of discernment and learning to wait...even when your plans sound good.

So instead of looking ahead and getting overwhelmed, I'm just going to look back. Not even to the beginning of my walk with Jesus, but back to the beginning when he was walking with me and I didn't even know it yet. He's guided me well this far, bringing meaning to my life even when I have wandered off, and he is guiding me now. When he hasn't been my priority, I'm still his...and that's a game changer! Now I just gotta seek him for those overwhelming things, but more importantly just seek him for him and who he is because you can't talk about someone you don't know (well...you shouldn't...)

"Talk is cheap, like daydreams and other useless activities. Fear God instead." - Ecclesiastes 5:7 (NLT)

Keep my peers and me in your prayers, because we're all trying to figure out who we are going to be in this world, and all of us could use some guidance from up above.
** Also praise God for the huge group of believers here who are seeking Him and living for him daily! **

Expectations

My expectations will be the death of me I'm pretty sure. In the midst of trying to enjoy my last week I'm caught up in the expectations of ending this week perfect, of being perfect, and going home better than when I left. But Shannon, I have to remind myself, you're not perfect and no one expects you to be (which was a lesson I learned at the beginning of this experience).

I'm in an exciting time in my life, lots of good changes and experiences and opportunities are at my feet and I'm so incredibly thankful. And I try to be happy all of the time, but the reality is change is scary...it's hard. It is all really great things but it's a lot of transition for anyone to go through...living in Arizona, going home to family and friends I haven't seen in 4 months, and starting college in North Carolina just three weeks later...it's a lot. And I'm nervous. As I should be. But God is good and gives me so much peace. As scary as my next steps look, I haven't really experienced God's peace and faithfulness as much as I have in this time. I get to relax, and watch this life I so don't deserve just unfold before me, and I get to be apart of it. I get to be scared, knowing who my Comforter is. I get to have nerves, knowing His peace transcends all understanding. I get to feel a million ambivalent feelings and not be shaken because I have a Rock stronger and more secure than my feelings. 

What I can expect, is to walk through this transition period with Jesus by my side, and letting me know it is ok and He is guiding me. I can expect to feel overwhelmed with my feelings and then with His unending love. I can expect to change as a person, and grow as a follower of Christ in a time that takes a lot of faith. And I can expect his promises to be true when I don't feel like they are. 

So if I could ask for prayer in this transition time, I am need of keeping my eyes on Jesus when there are a lot of distractions surrounding me, to renew my mind in His truth instead of setting my own, and to choose joy and love instead of fear. Thanks!!

"The End Times" (lol)

1 week...

I saw the end coming, but it's hitting me how quickly it's happening. I'm having a hard time putting into words all I'm feeling...but I'll try!

This last week feels a lot like the first, I want to cherish every moment. I want to be so present working at the coffee shop, serving at restore, having what may be the last conversations with people I love so much.

But this week also feels a lot different. I'm leaving a newfound home, not coming to a new place. And as cliche as it sounds, I'm not who I was when I came. I've grown in my relationship with Christ, as a young woman, and as a servant of the Lord in ways I didn't know were possible just 4 months ago. 

I grasp love in a community setting I've never known before...which makes it hard to leave. But I know God has allowed me to experience the incredible love of Amadeo, so I can share it wherever I go. As comfortable as I could be staying here and receiving wisdom and love in mass quantities, it's time to pass it on in another setting where that love is needed. I've been listening to this song, "you have called me higher, you have called me deeper and I'll go where you will lead me, Lord" and it's that simple. God is calling me to a new place, where he wants his kingdom to come. As excited as I am for the next step on this incredible journey with Him, I am sad I have to leave.

God's work in me while I've been here is inexpressible. This experience has helped formed who I am, at such a critical point in my life, in beautiful ways. I'm so thankful this was in God's plan for me. I've been told I touched lives here, but I know I've been touched by everyone in this community in one way or another. I'm positive I've received more than I've given, and that is an unexpected gift from the Lord's sweet grace.

Another question I've been asked is what was my favorite part. Well, there's no part that wasn't my favorite, but I would have to say the things that weren't planned. The relationships I formed, the opportunity to share the gospel with people who haven't heard it, seeking Jesus desperately for strength when I've come to the end of myself, and learning about myself and what true Love is. Needless to say, I would do this all over again without a doubt. 

Thank you Amadeo for your love, and I hope I get to spend a great deal of time with the majority of you this week!!

Let There Be Light(s)

God commanded in the beginning let there be light... And after Jesus died for us, and we could have Him in us, God allowed there to be light(s) in every one of us. So pretty much God's awesome and wants to use us, and I wanna be used by him, don't you? It's not just used for big mission trips and going to the ends of the earth...it's little acts of love that are light, and have a ripple effect beyond what we can see.

I so badly just want to be a light where it's never been brought before.... Thank you Amadeo for reminding me of what my purpose is. In all I do, whether it be making coffee for people I've never met and starting their day of with a conversation that will hopefully leave a positive impression on them. Or when I go to college and make friends who are coming from terrible situations and need a shoulder to cry on, I am fortunate to have two shoulders to offer! Or with my future career. That's why I want to go into social work. The places where people have turned a blind eye are the places where I want to highlight brokenness, because that's where we can find a hope that isn't from us. I want the forgotten to know they are not forsaken, I want the empty to know wholeness is possible. 

Shelly gave me wise advice to take every day like a new adventure, and I want to do just that. Whether my light is flickering or growing strong, it will be used each day to bring warmth where it is cold, bring a smile to tear stained faces, bring Good News that didn't make the newspaper but is changing the world every day. 

I don't know what each day holds, and I don't want to. What's the fun in that?? I just know that my light isn't meant to be hidden, and neither is yours. You can have a candle and matches, but someone's gotta light the flame and use it. All I know from my long 18 years of life is that not using your light is never a fulfilling life. In Philemon we're told to "be active in sharing your faith so that you know every good thing you have in Jesus Christ." I'm pretty sure I only know the surface of all the good things I have in being a child of God, and I wanna know more of his power in me...don't you? Like that's the coolest opportunity we could be given. 

And I don't know about you, but when I see someone else's light, it's pretty obvious. I see people at Amadeo being a light all the time...I want to point out Doni Nickerson in particular. I've had the pleasure of working with her at restore every Tuesday and those are my long days. I come to the food pantry tired and worn...and then Doni comes in and lights up the whole room with her warm smile and contagious laugh. She could be in terrible pain and still infecting us with her light in hugs and words of encouragement. That is light, and love. 

Make a conscious effort to be a light, because man that has the power to change not only your life but the people around you. 

Please comment with how you are using your light, I'd love to hear testimonies of how God is shining in and through you!

Revelation 21:23 And the city had no need of the sun, neither of the moon, to shine in it: for the glory of God did lighten it, and the Lamb is the light thereof.

"Good" Service

I've been thinking a lot about service and if motive in serving matters. I think many Christians, including myself, do good in the wrong way.

There are a lot of non profits who do a lot of good for people, but not in the name of Jesus.

There are people who know the gospel backwards and forwards, but don't know Jesus. 

There are theologians and skeptics who know the bible and hunger to read it more than many believers do, but aren't saved by grace.

So what makes people who claim to be in Jesus different from people who have the same knowledge and serve others? 

The heart.

It's that simple and that's why so many miss it. 

I know Christians like myself who pride themselves on how well they serve or how eloquently they can share the gospel, but scripture suggests a different approach to walking in the spirit.

Take David, for example. I had a hard time understanding why he was "a man after God's own heart" when he wasn't following the Law perfectly, he murdered people, had an affair...made all sorts of mistakes in action and thought. He wasn't doing good things. But he knew who had authority and although he was king, he understood who he reported to. He came to terms with his own weakness, his faults and poor judgments and was quick to confess them to the Lord. Even when he was in the depths of his sins, he knew God would hear his cry, and that God could love him. He didn't need to prove himself to God or others because he understood who God was, and is. He was after God's heart with his own. Not seeking God's approval, but his mercy and grace.

Paul says in the New Testament,

"When I came to you, brothers, I did not come with eloquence or superior wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. My message and preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power." -1 Corinthians 2:1-5

Like David, Paul understood his weakness and his need, as well as others need for God's power. Knowing Jesus is never fulfilling on wisdom alone. It's through love; understanding God's absolute, unshakeable love for you, and choosing to love him from the heart. Serving people in the name of Jesus, as churches do, should come after vulnerability before God and coming to terms with your weakness, and God's love and grace in that. Too often service and reading the bible and all the things we're supposed to do come before the heart, or dare I say in place of the heart, and we miss the fullness of a relationship with Jesus. 

Some of the most faithful followers of Jesus I know don't have the ability to serve God with their hands, or read his word through blind eyes... So does God not love them? No! I believe Jesus would say they are more blessed than the fully able, and greater in the kingdom. 

So are you serving with your hands or your heart? Are you learning with your mind or your heart? 

Thank you Lord for showing me the difference and I pray for grace and mercy as I, along with other believers, learn to serve you from understanding your abilities instead of proving our own.

Leaving

The bible says to be in debt in love...I have a huge debt I can never pay off to Amadeo.

I still can't wrap my mind around how I got the privilege of taking off a semester of school to bombard the Amadeo community and live in the love that they never run out of. My prayer for all churches is to grasp this kind of Kingdom love in their own communities. I'll never forget experiencing it the way I have. 

I'm in debt to so many but here are a few

Katelyn, for always driving and giving up her Monday to spend time with me. Your friendship made  my time here so rich.

Cheryl and Gary, my wonderful host parents who also drove me whenever needed, cooked delicious meals, taught me how to cook, prayed for me and helped me understand the reality and depth of an intimate relationship with God

Ben and Mandy, who were constant encouragements, reminding me my labor was not in vain, listening and guiding me toward right choices... For seeing through my "I'm good!" Facade and letting me be real and break down

Shelly who drove me every day to the coffee shop, knew how to make me cry (in a good way) in a second, who laughed with me, became one of my greatest role models, friend, and support. 

Geneva and Louise, with a laugh so contagious it was hard to frown around them

Lindsey and Lesilee Ozmon for being the best older sisters and letting me invade their home. I learned so much from these girls and am forever grateful for their patience when I came home tired and they listened to me think aloud and tell stupid stories and eat their food...

Sherri, for also giving me rides and being such a great example of a godly woman who discerns truth, constantly finds ways to love those who need it most, and is so present in every conversation although we all know she holds a lot on her plate...

Doni, Debby, and Michael who always encouraged me and believed in me. Seeing their love for Jesus in all circumstances left me in tears

The prayer warriors who spent hours praying over me, helped me find healing I didn't know was possible, and showed me a new way to seek God

This is just to name a few. You all touched me in special ways that I'll never forget. Thank you for hosting me, letting me rediscover who I am in Christ and refresh my broken spirit. I'm sure I'll find a way back to you guys somehow, but until then know I am incredible grateful for the love you have for each other, which is a true testimony of God's love. Thank you Amadeo, for fighting the good fight and changing people's lives by showing them Jesus in all you do.

Be Thankful Always!

This week (and every week) I have so much to be thankful for. This week, being thanksgiving and all, sticks out to me in particular. I'll start from the beginning.

Last Monday I had the privilege of going 4-wheeling in the desert with Katelyn and Eddie. It was a beautiful day and we had a great time. Being the young and reckless teenager I am, I got a little carried away and was going too fast on an unfamiliar road. I ended up approaching a rocky path that intimidated me. I pulled the breaks and I went flying! But there were so many miracles in that experience. For one, the 4 wheeler I was driving had ropes and a box cutter and heavy things in the front of it that kept falling out earlier in my ride. So prior to the fall i took all of those out, which would have fallen on me. I also only hit my ankle on a rock rather than my head or any other place that would have been a major injury. Yet another blessing was having 3 people and 2 4 wheelers so I was able to ride on the back and we didn't have to abandon an ATV. Not only that, but Katelyn and Eddie took such good care of me...thankful for these friends!! The timing also couldn't have been better, because I didn't have to work at the coffee shop and I was going to see my dad who could help me take care of it. I'm still a little sore, but I'm walking great and still look back on that day as one of my favorites from my time in Arizona. 

Tuesday for reasons I cannot explain, I rode a public bus from Phoenix to LA, a 7 hour bus ride that probably wasn't the safest option. Nevertheless it was a great ride and I met the sweetest lady. We talked most of the way. God definitely had his hand in that because both of us were nervous and prayed for good company. I arrived in Long Beach Tuesday night to be greeted by my dad I miss dearly and haven't seen since August. That alone was a blessing, but his hug was followed by embraces from my grandparents who are in their early 90s, and my uncle. I had a great thanksgiving with them and ate way more than necessary! I woke up to a beautiful sunrise every day on my trip, which I praise God for making. 

My favorite part of my visit was being able to record my grandparents life story, including a 70 year marriage, to save forever in an archive through StoryCorps. Hearing their accomplishments, their undying love, and their incredible strength brought me to tears. I've never felt so proud of where I've come from. It was such a privilege to be the one to record their legacy. I cannot wait for the future generations to hear their story.

I also stayed at my aunts house Saturday and she willingly drove me to the bus stop this morning. I'm so thankful for family, that even when the visits are short and infrequent, they are still filled with so much love and good times. 

Now I'm heading back to Arizona, where I've been referring to as home, for the final two weeks of these incredibly short 4 months. Posts to come on my thankfulness for Arizona and my new found family there!

God gives everyone things to be thankful for. Do you acknowledge them? He's put on my heart to see Him in even the littlest of circumstances. His blessings are always awesome, but for some reason they feel better and mean more when you acknowledge him for it. Thank Him.

"Let us come into his presence with thanksgiving; let us make a joyful noise to him with songs of praise!" - Psalm 95:2